Who am I?

This is something I wrote 3 years ago…

Identity

According to AskOxford.com, “English is the richest language with largest vocabulary in the world” (Internet). Even though there are so many different words, sometimes people still cannot find right ones to describe others, or even themselves. Some people just seem not to fit any of the adjectives, because words like still have to be created. Although some might argue that words do exist and that others just refuse to accept them, I still strongly believe that words that express the emotion, the glow, the aura, or, in other words, the inner identity of a person are yet to be created. On the other hands, if we were to talk about the labels that society gives to different groups of people, there are plenty of nouns to describe people. Any random American citizen could probably easily identify himself/herself with the following categories: his/her national identity, his/her profession, political believes, religion, heritage, etc. Nevertheless, there are plenty people in the world that would have trouble describing not only their inner aura but their national identity or heritage as well. It would not be because of the lack of the words in the vocabulary; they just would not know. Some identity is lost by people themselves, sometimes people are not recognized by the rest of the world.

Having any kind of identity is very important. We always try to identify with somebody. We want to be recognized for what we do, what we are, and how we behave. It is just human nature- to be recognized. Every person wants to be identified as a human being first. If that condition is satisfied then one wants to be recognized as a person that has their own web of believes, actions and behavior. It does not matter how unique a person tries to be, one will always try to identify himself with somebody who is at least a little bit alike him/her. Even the weirdest kids in high school find others that are like them. That gives an individual a sense of unity and power. It also acknowledges that a person is not alone and that there are other people that understand him/her. Mutual understanding is the key for a person to be identified as an individual because then one does not seem to be so out of place. Often people need approval for their actions from others. An individual does so to make sure that his behavior will be accepted within the group that one is trying to associate with. For example, when a person runs for a president, he/she and the voters form a huge group that has connect on some level in order to create functioning society. Therefore the largest and the most important identity that a person can be a part of is a national identity. Nationalities unite people with similar believes about country, about society, about cultural values, about politics, etc.

Sometimes, however, people lose their national identities. They do not choose to be separated from their culture, but they are forced to do it. People immigrate to different countries everyday because of bad political or economical situation in their home country. My family left Lithuania because of complicated economical situation. Edward Said’s family left Palestine because of very complicated historical and political situation. Although Said’s life story and my life story are quite different, in the very essence of it they are very much alike. Said and I ended up in the same place- the United States of America- for two completely different reasons. He lived completely different life from mine. However, both of our lives share one common thing- desperate fight for our identities.

Who am I? This question of philosophical identity bothered me for a very long time. Since I was a kid I was asking myself of what defines me as a human being, as a person. Although I spent many hours wondering, I never came up with the answer. Many years have passed and I am still asking the question, but I am not so worried about the answer anymore. Another, much more important question came up: “What am I?” My life took a much unexpected turn and changed so much that I have many reasons to ask this question.

My family and I have moved from our home in Lithuania to the United States of America about two and a half years ago. Just like most of the immigrants we came to United States looking for better life. My family moved because they wanted to create better opportunities for me and my brother to establish a better material life than they had. Although our life quality is much better than it was back at Lithuania, I feel that I since the moment I came down here I am paying a price that cannot be measured in money: the pain and doubt that I had to go through. I left all of my friends at home; my culture, my history, my land-all of these things became past in a matter of one flight. Moreover, now I have to deal with seeing myself completely lose my national identity.

The process began very slowly and painfully. Everyday required a lot of effort to get through. I was cut off of my usual surroundings and started a life in a culture that was completely new and foreign. I used to get headaches from hearing too much English in one day. I did not realize what was going with me at that time, but now I clearly see that it was the beginning of the end of new Tom. I tried keeping my old friends close to me and succeeded only for about half year because after a while I realized that I was concentrating on my past much more than on the present. Just when I started losing my national identity, it was really hard to identify myself with anybody in this new environment because I did not the customs of how the things are done, and what is acceptable or not. Life became meaningless and boring, because I could not even identify myself with the any of the American values and therefore I did not fit in anywhere else. Therefore I learned American history, language and slang, cultural values, music and traditions during my first year. I tried to preserve the Lithuanian Tom in me for as long as possible, but after a while I just gave up because it was too painful and I did not have any friends in high school, and my friends back at home gave up on me as well. Discovering and adapting new national identity is extremely hard. After about a year I got to know more people, my language skills improved, I learned tons of new things about American culture and only then I started having something in common with the rest of the American students.

The reason I adapted to the new culture and partially lost my Lithuanian national identity is because I am surrounded by this culture everyday and I have no other choice but to adapt. My parents, on the other hand, still feel very strongly about Lithuania because they associate themselves only with other Lithuanians and therefore are able to keep the customs of a Lithuanian person. Their identity is still strong and they are willing to go back home at anytime. I, however, do not have anything to come back for. Everything is lost to me there. My future is here. Although most of my Lithuanian national identity is gone, some behavior patterns still remain and I am still confused and concerned if I am doing the right thing by completely forgetting about my homeland. That is why I am still so different from everyone else, I still think differently and act differently in some situations. After all, I have been here only for two and a half years. I still have to learn many things about this culture which is so familiar to me right, I have to rediscover and redefine myself as a person again. Because the discoveries for new Tom just are just beginning.

Said’s story of identity is quite different from mine. His whole family left Palestine when he was 11 years old due to harsh political situation in the country. He left just before the Israeli War of Independence when the British left Palestine.
That is the first major difference between me and Said. My country’s political situation was not that extreme and it was not a reason for my family to leave; there were no military conflicts going on in my country. Unlike me, he did not go to the United States of America directly. He stayed in Egypt first and only then moved to the United States of America for same reason I am here – to receive his education.

My family is still with me and my relatives still live where they used to live. However, Said’s family is spread throughout the world. His closest family “resettled in Jordan, in Lebanon, in the United States and in Europe” (Said, 684). Therefore keeping in touch with his family was much harder for him than for me. He has “not visited her [mother] since the Israeli invasion of 1982” (Said, 684). Family is single most important unit that is able to keep one from losing identity. It reminds a person about the traditions, language or history and keeps one in touch his real national identity. Said did not even have, as opposed to me, the ability to talk to my mom or dad any day because they are just cell phone call away. But still I am the one the started losing my national identity so quickly. On the other hand Said supported his country’s struggle through books and criticism of world leaders’ actions towards the situation in Israel. Said was able to stand up for his country and fight for in his writings although the country does not even exist.

If somebody were to ask Said where Palestine was, he could not answer the question because “the stability of geography and the continuity of land- these have completely disappeared from […] life of all Palestinians” (Said, 685). It disappeared not only from life of Palestinians but from it is gone from the life of the rest of the world because Palestine is not recognized as a country by the rest of the world. Because of that Said was never able during his life to “return to the places of … youth, nor voyage freely in the countries and places that mean the most” (Said, 682). Going back home and feeling that you are welcome there is what keeps the relationship with your family and your country strong. Revisiting your childhood places, going back to one’s high school, seeing the nature, breathing one country’s the air and meeting the people are crucial in order to maintain the national identity of a person. I have not seen my home for those two and a half years and the homesickness feeling is gone, the memories are fading, places became blurry. Everything old is replaced with new memories and places from life that I live here. I can go home any time I want to. All I need is just to buy a ticket, but I do not want to go back. I am happy with what I have here. Even if Said had an opportunity to come back it would be impossible for him to revisit the places where he grew up because “wars, revolutions, civil struggles have changed the countries beyond recognition” (Said, 684). Said has not been home for so long, but it seems obvious that his feelings for his country are still very strong and his motives are clear. He knows what he does and who he is because “he served on the Palestinian National Council, an exile government” (Said’s Bio, 675).

According to Said “exile is a series of portraits without names, without contexts” (Said, 680). He is not here because he likes here, he is here because he has to be. Many people that actually live in Palestine are still in exile even at home because they are “required to show proofs of identity” (Said, 681). It actually would not matter where Said lived in Israel or the United States, he would not be recognized as a Palestinian. There is not a place in the world where Palestinians are recognized. Their country is not existent; therefore they do not have any legal relations with the rest of the world. Palestinians are in no man’s land and neither of the opposing sides is theirs. Their national identity is constantly being “either denied or challenged” (Said, 681). For example, if government were to take away a person’s name, one’s life would be completely destroyed. A person would know what their name is, but anybody who would did not know an individual personally would deny it and would ask for proof of identity. And a person would have nothing to show for a proof. One would just be completely erased from the society because he/she could not get a job, could not buy home or a car, and could not leave the country or even get an education. Even though, individual would know who he/she is, the person’s identity would be denied everywhere else. If a reader were to put himself/herself into this situation, maybe only then it would become a little bit clearer what it feels like to be a Palestinian.

Our everyday lives are dependent on people that surround us. Other people make us behave differently even though we might not be conscious of that. Our identity is approved by society. It can be either approved and given a certain label or rejected and just forgotten. In either way a person has to go on with his/her life. I am sure that other people notice that I am different from them, that I am still not sure of who or what I am and therefore it is still hard for me to identify myself with anything else. Said, on the other hand, knew exactly who he was and what he did, but the rest of the world still did not officially recognize him as a Palestinian because Palestine was and still is a non-existent country. Having and keeping your identity is often harder and more complicated than what it looks like. Although Said was true Palestinian in his hart, the word technically did not apply to him. Although I am officially Lithuanian, it just became a label for me, it does not describe as person and there are no words that could. From worlds society’s perspective me and Said look very similar- we do not have real, cornerstone identities- although our lives and personalities are so different.

WHO ARE YOU???