Loneliness
Everybody has been lonely at some point in their lives. Sometimes we feel lonely when we are in a huge crowd; sometimes we feel lonely when we are by ourselves. Loneliness seems to creep up on people without them knowing.
I have known people who had nothing – no friends, no money, no careers, no motivation – who felt lonely. I have known successful people who had it all – careers, money and friends – who felt lonely. I have known people who went from being lonely while having nothing to being lonely while having everything.
Why do we get lonely? How do we deal it with loneliness? If we want to answer those questions, we have to first answer this question: “What is Loneliness”?
What Is Loneliness
Loneliness is the feeling of being disconnected from the rest of the people. It is the inability to relate to others on any level: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. At least that is how I understand it. That would explain why very successful people and very unsuccessful people can feel lonely – most people find it hard to relate to them and vice versa.
It would also explain the expression: “It is lonely at the top”. It is true. Yet, we can take the above example and define it more broadly. It would be fair to say that people are going to feel lonely when they engage themselves in activities that most people cannot relate to. So if you find yourself feeling lonely, you are most likely on the very positive or the very negative end of the spectrum of human experiences.
How to Deal with Loneliness
Once we examined what loneliness is and why feel lonely, we can take the next step and examine how to deal with loneliness. The basic idea underlying all the below listed tools has something to do with reconnecting with other people.
- Change your perspective. It might be all in your head. You might be just imagining that nobody can relate to you. Think of ways of how other people can be experiencing what you are this moment as well. It will help you feel more grounded and more human because of that shared experience.
- Change the people you surround yourself with. If you discover that you truly cannot relate to the people around you, it might be time to change your environment and find some new friends to hang out with. It is possible that you could have outgrown your peers; it also possible that they have outgrown you.
- Open up. Chances are that if you are feeling lonely it is because you cannot relate to others or they cannot relate to you. Either of those scenarios could be solved by simply talking to people around. Be vulnerable and tell them how you feel. More likely than not, you will discover that people will be able to relate to you more than you think. After all it has been said that the more personal the matter, the more universal it is.
- Gain experience. It might be time to get out there and experience life to be able to connect with others better. Since people build friendships around the feeling commonality and shared experiences, it is important to create those experiences. Not being able to do so might cause you to feel lonely.
If I had to sum all the above, I would say the following: “If you want to stop feeling lonely, find or create an experience that you can share with others.” No matter how unique you think you are, chances are the everybody else has gone through what you are going through.
You will be able to lead a richer life because of ability to connect with others. You never know who is out there that needs your help or who out there is willing to help. So go out there, and experience and show everybody that you are a human being just like the rest of us. People will appreciate that.
15 Comments
Well written!
Tom, I completely agree with you: when you are regarded as a “super-human,” most likely people won’t try to relate to you and that creates an empty feeling within oneself. I think some of the best examples come from pop icons, who in all reality are just as human as anyone else. Hearing, reading, and seeing their life story unraveled makes people not only relate to them more, but it creates this bond between this highly successful person and his/her “fan.” A perfect portrayal of this special bond is Oprah Winfrey and her audience. Oprah’s life-past and present-is open to the public. On her show Oprah would reveal an incident that happened to her as she interviews a person, who was victimized by that specific situation: crack/cocaine abuse, child molestation, poverty, eating disorders, etc. She has stated numerous times that unlike other celebrities, who get idolized on the street, people come up to her and talk to her as if she was their best friend and they knew each other forever. “I’m their buddy; not this super-human icon.” And, for those of you who don’t know Oprah’s story, I can sum it up here: she knows loneliness (more than other story I’ve heard) till her fame… Ironic? Not really.
Loneliness is a fact of life. Rather than eluding we must learn to endure it; there’s always a lesson behind and we must open our eyes to see what it is.
Happiness cannot be without loneliness. :-)
Nice post. Way to give your advices and input on this subject.
Zenobia:
Thank you for such a lengthy answer. I really appreciate it. I am glad that I found something that resonates with you. Loneliness is definitely a hard, but sometimes a necessary emotion to keep us going through life.
Some people use it to further alienate themselves, but other use it propel their lives to new heights just as Oprah did.
Thank you for reading!
Best,
Tomas
Thanks Tony! I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Best,
Tomas
Hey Tom,
Finding the right people plus opening up to them is a powerful combination to deal with loneliness.
If you don’t open up, people can’t get to know you. It’s like throwing a party but locking your door and not letting anyone know. But even if you’re opening up to those around you, they might not relate or resonate enough with you to connect. You feel out of touch and not inspired or excited by them. So you need to find other people – ones that are on your level.
There’s a reason that some people move up the ladders in their lives and find new friends that are on their level. They can no longer relate to those with a scarcity mindset when theirs is that of abundance, or those with a poor attitude when theirs is rich. So finding the right people is crucial.
When you can easily connect with a person, there’s no maintenance or tweaking that needs to be done in order to make the relationship work. You two just know. You get the words out of the way to more quickly connect and share ideas and experiences. All of a sudden, loneliness is thrown out the window and you’re forming genuine relationships with those that really get you.
Surrounding yourself with the right people–those that are either living how you are or how you aspire to–and opening up to them is a ridiculously effective method to overcoming loneliness.
Like with your previous article, I could see this being expanded into a practical ebook-style guide. Actually giving step-by-step instructions on how and where to look for new people, how to start opening up to introverts, and so forth. I know I could’ve benefited from a guide like this years ago :)
Great stuff as always,
Oleg
PS. Typo in the 1st sentence of next-to-last paragraph? Should “If I had to some all the above” be “If I had to sum up all of the above” ?
Good article! If loneliness becomes a recurring theme in someone’s life, it is a bigger problem. Quality family is key, and if you don’t have any, you need to connect with people who need you as much as you need them. Create a chosen family of people who want you to be their family.
Dear Thankful Blogger:
Thank you for stopping by to read my humble work. I really appreciate it. I hope you found it useful.
Best,
Tomas
Hey Walter:
Thank you for such an insightful comment. Happiness cannot be without loneliness. I like that phrase.
Loneliness just indicates that you are doing something other people around you are not. And just like with every emotion, we can learn from and grow towards a more fulfilled person.
Best,
Tomas
First and foremost, I appreciate your views on the concept of loneliness, but I am going to share my interpretation based on my experience coaching, speaking, and interacting with people from all walks of life.
You said the following: “Loneliness is the feeling of being disconnected from the rest of the people. It is the inability to relate to others on any level: physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. At least that is how I understand it. That would explain why very successful people and very unsuccessful people can feel lonely – most people find it hard to relate to them and vice versa.”
This is definitely what most people would believe is the root of loneliness, but my experience proves that loneliness has nothing to do with being disconnected from the rest of the people, but rather EVERYTHING to do with feeling disconnected from yourself. Loneliness is born as an internal emotion because of the inability to relate with your authentic self. When you feel like you want to “run away,” it is impossible because you might be able to run, but you will NOT be able to hide as you are always with YOU. I am actually in the process of writing an article about this concept because I have always believed that once we are able to find the solution to the unanswered questions in our lives, we are then able to let go and move on to the next echelon in our existence.
Wonderful post and thank you for providing me with ammunition to think!!!
Hey Jared:
In this case you provided me with ammunition to think.
Feeling disconnected from my authentic self – that’s what loneliness is? You really got me thinking.
I am really having a tough time wrapping my head around this concept just now. Honestly, I cannot provide you with a reasonable answer at this point of time.
However, my initial reaction is this: Loneliness is probably a mixture of both. Maybe feeling disconnected from your own identical self causes one to feel disconnected from others? Or maybe feeling disconnected from others causes you to question and feel disconnected from yourself?
Maybe is it the question of cause and effect? I am not sure, but it would great to read your thoughts on this issue.
Thanks for another thought provoking comment Jared, it is helping me grow.
Best,
Tomas
Hey Oleg:
Thanks for a great reply. I love the analogy of a party. It makes a fairly complex issue very simple. The thing I appreciate the most is ideas of how to take this article to the next level.
Sometimes, I do not even think that far ahead, but your ideas keep pushing me towards the right direction. :)
Thanks for all of your help.
Best,
Tomas
P.S. Thanks for noticing the type. It shows that you really read it :) Hehe
As a freelance writer for the last couple of years, I deliberately choose to forego daily in-person contact with others through the workplace. Occasionally this makes me lonely. But when I think about it clearly, no matter how many people I worked with in my previous corporate life, there were never many with whom I felt truly connected – because I wasn’t ‘following my dream’ (maaan).
So I don’t think loneliness is just about being alone; it’s about not connecting with others as strongly or deeply as you would like. There’s no easy way out of this feeling; like all strong emotions, getting through loneliness takes courage, perspective and perseverance.
So I think it’s important to treasure and strengthen the personal connections you do have, try to create more where possible, and BREATHE! Remember that in time, all feelings – even the unpleasant ones – will pass.
Dear Fiona:
You touched on two points: being disconnected from yourself and being disconnected from others. It seems that those two events work in tandem and eventually result in loneliness.
It is important to realize that all of the emotion will come to pass, but what is more important to learn lessons from your emotions. Just waiting for the emotions to pass will eventually lead to suffering as you will always be living in the future forgetting the present. Breath is the tool that brings us back to the present.
I have learned something from your comment, Fiona.
Thank you!
Best,
Tomas