Have you ever had such a bad experience that you never ever wanted to remember it again in your life? Yet, no matter how hard you tried to forget it, it kept coming back and torturing you? Maybe it was because you did or didn’t do something that hurt other people. Maybe it was because somebody hurt you. Either way, the past seemed to always be there with you never letting go and reminding you of that bad action what you made.
If you experienced any of the above, I have news for you – you are a human being. Yet, in order to even being to understand answering the question of how to let go of the past, we have to examine time first.
What is Time?
Why we are going to examine time – because understanding the past is not enough. It is impossible to understand the past without talking about the past, the present, and the future together. Combining the above mentioned elements together gives us time as we understand it. I understand the there are many ways to look at time. Therefore, we are going to leave the quantum mechanics and physics aside. Instead we are going to focus on time from a psychological perspective.
In that sense, time does not really exist. What exists is the experience. Nothing else. There is no past or the future. There has always been and there will always be only the present. Our brains take those experiences and store them in our brain as memories, which we label the past. Those memories are stored in our brain as collection of neurons. The brain then uses those connections to form our habits and behaviors. In addition, our brains forms possible future outcomes based on our past experiences. Those simulations try to protect us from making bad decisions, which would end up hurting us. They also encourage making decisions, which in our head, should produce a favorable outcome.
However, sometimes we experience really strong negative emotions which form an extremely strong neuron connection in our brain. Most of the time, those connections cannot be easily broken. Yet, we do not have to break them. All we need to do is change the way we understand that experience in order to change the way that emotion makes us feel. So how do we do what?
How to Let Go of The Past?
Most people try to forget negative experiences. Yet, the act of trying to forget something naturally reactivates and strengthens the chemical reaction associated with that emotion and experience. Here is what I found what works for me:
- Understand that past does not exist. It is all in your head. It is a collection of memories, which your brain chose to save for the future use. The event itself has passed as if it never happened.
- Understand that you are not in the present if you are thinking about the past. It has some serious implications. Living in your head, might cause you to lose focus and cost you opportunities to advance your life towards a direction that you want to do. Ask yourself if suffering about the past is worth sacrificing the present?
- Understand that you cannot control that past. This is the biggest stepping stone in letting go of the past. I’ll say it once again: Understand that you cannot control that past. What done is done. The only result you have is the experience that you carry with you; nothing else.
- Accept that you cannot control the past. This might be harder than you think, but try to truly understand that you truly cannot control anything that has already happened and that trying to do so will cause you to relive the whole experience over and over again.
- Forgive yourself and take responsibility for your actions by speaking the truth to yourself and others. Do this even if you do not think you did anything wrong.
- Forgive others for hurting you.
- Learn the lesson that you had to learn from the experience. That is why it happened. A negative experience is nothing more than a way for the universe to tell you that you were doing something wrong and that you need to learn what ever needs to be learned.
- Be grateful for that negative experience because of the value and depth that it has brought into your life.
- Live NOW!
All of these steps require courage, time and dedication. They are not easy, but the rewards are fulfilling and lead to a greater and more rewarding life. Let go of your past – NOW!
12 Comments
what is forgiveness really for? How can you forgive somebody who caused to so much misery that it effects you till this day? People say, let go and let karma take over. What if you want the satisfaction of seeing the karma take over that person? And, if I can’t see the karma hurt that person, then where is the satisfaction in that?
Zenobia:
All that means is that there is lesson that you have not learned from that experience. Until you do, it will keep coming back to you. Love, not hate will set you free.
Best,
Tomas
what if your mom got murdered by somebody (btw this didn’t happen to me-just an example), would you love the murderer?
Would I right away? Probably not. Would I eventually? Probably. The right thing to do is to forgive anybody who has ever caused you harm, otherwise you set yourself up for suffering.
Just like I mentioned that the past does not exist anymore. It is all in your head. It’s up to you how you deal with the change in your current life.
Hey Tom,
The past is just that – it’s not part of your reality, but a part of history. So don’t let it be a part of who you are. It’s impossible to change what already happened, so why let it control your present?
You hit the nail on the head by pointing out we can’t control the past. It happened, and we can’t change it. People who continue to cling or dwell on the past are giving away control. You reclaim control of your life by realizing what you pointed out – that the past is what it is, for better or for worse. Accept that it happened and let it go.
Are you not happy of what happened in the past? The only thing you CAN do–what you can control–is to reclaim control and live the present as best you can, so that when it becomes the past, you’ll be happier with it.
Best,
Oleg
PS. Regarding the love thing in the comments – I don’t think you have to love something after time has passed. You can just not give away your energy by actively disliking or hating it. Simply let it be. I used to hate certain styles of music for being so popular on the radio, but these days I couldn’t care less what’s playing. I don’t love all styles of radio music, I just don’t actively hate them. I focus on what I do love and just accept and let be (ie. be neutral, indifferent, unemotionally invested in) those styles I’m not a fan of.
Hey Oleg:
Living in the present is key to regaining control in your life. Also, you only control you and what happens within you, let go of what is outside of your control and focus your energy on yourself.
Great perspective on loving your greatest enemies – just let it be. Forgive them and just let them be and tune your brain into the positive tune that your mind is playing somewhere:)
Thanks for another insightful perspective.
Best,
Tomas
I have one question about #8; do you suppose that every negative experience brings about a valuable lesson, or only some? How does this work??
Linda:
Every negative experience brings a valuable lesson. The only thing is that we refuse to learn it or sometimes we do not see what and why we are supposed to learn something.
I know it may sounds too good to be true or just idealistic for you to believe in it, but I truly believe in it. How do you explain murder, rape, poverty, hunger? I do not know have the answer to those questions, yet I know that every event is the outcome of series of decisions that we have made in our life in a given environment.
Lesson is always there, it is just up to us to find it. Look at your worst experiences in life and ask yourself what you have to be grateful for and what you can learn from. Just believe that there is always something to learn and to be grateful for and you will find it.
Best,
Tomas
I agree with Tomas. Living in the past keeps one stuck there. Forgiveness means that you have reached that place within yourself that allows you to get on with your life. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. If I touch a hot stove and burn my hand, I do not want to carry that pain with me throughout life. I do want to remember not to touch the hot stove again! If I berated myself forever for touching the hot stove, then I would just be carrying the pain of the past with me and blocking myself from expending the energy I might need in the present. This does not mean we have to embrace people or things that might harm us in order to forgive. I know it’s difficult to delineate the difference because it seems if we remember a painful incident we will relive the pain of it. However, if you have forgiven yourself and others, then you can remember without the pain. You can distill it down to find out what you need to learn from the situation. Maybe, there was nothing in the actual situation that you needed to learn but something about your reaction to the situation that holds the lesson. I do believe that we are all given challenges, some more heartbreaking or difficult than others, but if we truly step back and try to find it there’s a lesson somewhere in there. Once we discover what we need to learn, then it becomes a matter of choice. If someone has harmed you it’s easy and natural to react strongly to that. However, if we choose to stay in that energy then the harm continues indefinitely and colors many of our decisions. If we choose to forgive and learn, then the harm that was arising from that situation ceases to exist.
Nancy:
Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting – that is very deep. As I think most people try to forget something that happened. It is much more important to forgive.
Forgetting something is equivalent to erasing part of yourself, part of who you are. We should be grateful for everything. Even though some experiences might have hurt, we can take those lessons and pass it on to others. By doing that we will have helped others – therefore the purpose will have been achieved.
There are a ton of ideas in your reply, but I just wanted to touch upon the one that resonated with me the most.
Best,
Tomas
What you have written here Tomas rings deep inside of me. I’m having difficult time living in the present but I’m fully aware that I will gain nothing if I stuck myself in the past. It does takes time, courage and dedication to master this important wisdom of life.
I know I can master this. :-)
Hey Walter:
Just remember that you are not alone. Many people have a difficult time living in the present and letting go of the past. So long that you are aware of your own situation and that you are putting an effort to take care of this, you will be able to master it sooner or later.
Best of luck to your journey and thank you for reading!
Best,
Tomas