“We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” – Fight Club
X: I love that quote. It’s awesome! I completely agree with it!
Y: Are you crazy? That’s nonsense. I know that any of us can be millionaires and movie stars. All we have to do is to chose so!
X: That’s crap. Society is just structured so that only a few lucky ones can get to the top. The rest of us are just fed false dreams to keep us somewhat happy and calm.
Y: Are you kidding me? I have witnessed so many people who were at the bottom and the rose to the top to become millionaires and movie starts just by working hard and putting in the effort.That is all you need in this life: hard work and you can make anything of yourself. I know I will be something one day!
X: Yea right. Did you ever look around yourself? There are millions of other people out there just like living this false dream, thinking they are going to be superstars. What makes you think you are different from them? Look, I want to be a millionaire too. I want to live in the lazy life, do nothing, just chill, hang out and do what I want. But I have to be realistic. I have to know my limits and just accept the reality for what it is.
Y: That is exactly why you are going no where. What are you going to do? Join a “Fight Club”? Give up on your dreams and just go join the rest of the losers?
X: Who are you calling a loser?
Y: You! Whatever, you just don’t get it
X: Me? Are you kidding me? Look who is talking!
What Is A Disagreement
Sounds familiar? Who is right in this situation? Who is wrong? Are they both partially right and partially wrong? Did this argument accomplish anything? Did it add any value to anybody? Chances are that nothing positive came out of the conversation.
We all have something to say about everything: self-development, nutrition, exercise, sleep, education, health care, war, love, etc. Yet, many of us really don’t care if what we know is the truth or just a widely accepted belief. What we really care about is that we have an opinion and because it is ours it makes it the correct one. It is very difficult for us to accept the fact that we might be wrong about something. Matter of fact, when we realize that we are wrong, we try to defend our perspective even more.
Because of the reasons above, most disagreements lead people to feel lesser than they really are; their confidence drops, they start to doubt themselves; they feel resentment towards the other person; they feel emotionally and physically drained. That is why most people will tell you to avoid arguments all together and just let other person be. People will tell you to stay on the safe side and keep your opinion to your self. That might be true. But I tend to disagree.
Creating Value By Disagreeing
Let me tell you a little story. When I went to college I worked as a resident assistant at one of the residential halls. I naturally like confronting people and challenging their views. So it happened that I got into an argument about god with one of the very religious co-workers of mine. See, I have a very different understanding of god than most people that I meet. You could say it that it is a very nontraditional view. The co-workers happened to have a very traditional belief of God.
Before the argument even started, I thought to myself: “Here we go again. He’s going to try to convert me to his views. This is going to be fun…” Indeed, it was a lot of fun! The conversation lasted for hours. It had to be one of the most educational and eye opening conversations that I have ever had. I have learned so much about people and life that I did not know before or did not fully understand. The other person created value by disagreeing with me. It was just an outstanding experience!
After that, I started noticing it happening more and more frequently. I realized that it was not a unique, isolated event. Eventually, I realized that disagreeing with somebody can be the best learning and growth experience that you can have with somebody.
Here is why value is created when you disagree with others:
- You get a chance to test and reexamine the validity of your beliefs
- You get to learn of a different perspective about the same issue
- You learn how to connect with people on a personal level
- You get an opportunity to grow
- You provide an opportunity of growth for the other person
- You test the beliefs of the other person
If done right, a disagreement will provide you and others with a tremendous value and will accelerate your growth.
Disagreement is a catalyst of growth.
For the reasons above, it is selfish not seek opportunities for disagreement! You should go out there and ask people to disagree with you, to continuously challenge your beliefs, to keep you on the edge. You should also go out there and become confrontational! Express your opinions when you do not agree! Get out there and disagree!
However, you might get your feelings – or something else – hurt if you don’t do it right. There is a right way to disagree.
How To Disagree
Follow the following tips to create the most value for yourself and others when disagreeing:
- Know yourself. Know why you believe something that you believe in. Know the reasons behind it, so you can clearly articulate and explain yourself in such manner that would provide value to the person listening.
- Keep an open mind. If you are approaching others with a purpose to disagree then expect and be ready for things that will make you emotionality irritated. Expect them and neutralize them before hand. Losing your cool is the worst thing that can happen when being engaged in an argument.
- Listen. If you are going just to force your opinion onto others, you will soon find people keeping their distance from you. Learn how to listen. If you listen and understand the other person, you will gain an insight into their thinking. You will gain their respect and they will listen to you as well. Keeping communication channels open is crucial if you want to learn something and create value for others.
- Ask questions. If you do not understand something – ask. Others will be more than happy to explain it to you. Do not jump to conclusions when you hear something that does not make sense to you. Give the other person a chance to provide a complete explanation.
- Be patient. Understand that arguments might take a long time. If it is something that is important to you – schedule a more convenient time to talk and come ready. Doing things in a rush, can cause even more confusion than to help any of the involved parties.
- Know when to stop. Sometimes, it is just crucial to stop the argument. Once you realize that the other person is refusing to listen, cuts you short, forces their opinion on you – leave. Politely excuse yourself and get away from a ” you lose he/she wins” situation.
Now go out there and disagree!
QUESTION: When was the last time you created or gained value from disagreeing?
__________
Image: Photobucket
You:
Me:
You:
Me:
You:
Me:
You:
13 Comments
Hi Tomas,
This very thing has been on my mind alot lately. I often comment on the blogs I suscribe to. I notice that I always pick out the things I agree with and then write something complimentary. It’s not often I disagree although I always follow up on others’ comments and enjoy reading diverse opinions. I always learn something new. I have had the vague feeling that my comments don’t move things forward, so I’m trying to change the way I react to other people’s writing. I think what you say here is important for the blogging world to pay attention to. We all need to be challenged so that we grow, and so that we encourage diversity. Of course I have just complimented you, but as I say I’m working on disagreeing.
Dear Heather:
Thank you for visiting my blog first! I hope you are having a great experience reading my articles.
I tend to comment on most articles the way you do: complement the author on the good things and try to provide additional value by providing a different perspective.
However, while I was writing this, it occurred to me why it is hard to comment on many of the blogs: they do not take a stance. This is something that I have to work on myself. Yet, I believe if more people took their writing to the extreme, it would provide more value to us readers and it would be much easier to comment on articles like that.
Thank you for the compliment and I hope to see back here. By the way, please provide me with constructive criticism if you see something that I could improve upon.
Best,
Tomas
Well I thought you were going to write all about how we come to terms with the fact that we’re not going to be rich and famous and learn to be happy with what you’ve got!
But anyway, I am a people-pleaser and hate to have arguments or cause controversy. I have tacked some thorny issues on my blog such as racism but with much foreboding. In fact it caused a lot of healthy debate and I learned a lot from my readers.
Also, isn’t it annoying when some people disagree with everything you say. In the end you don’t want to share with them anymore. Though there are always a few you can have a debate with if you’re in the mood.
Thanks for writing!
Dear Annabel:
Tricked you! I guess the quote was a bit misleading, but I think it served the purpose well :)
I completely agree that people who argue with your just for the sake of arguing can be in the pain in the neck. I am not advocating that. I advocating disagreement for the sake of helping the other person grown and evolve.
Like always it is hard to grasp the subtle differences between being annoying and disagreeing with a purpose :)
Thanks for another comment and your time!
Best,
Tomas
Hey Tomas,
Great idea to write about disagreeing. I think we live in a culture which, in trying to promote freedom of speech, goes to extremes and ends up saying that disagreeing is always impolite, bad, and should not be done.
It’s an exaggeration. One of the best ways to help people move to more constructive, realistic ideas about things is by disagreeing, provided you have the logic and arguments to back it up.
Eduard
Hey Eduard:
Unfortunately, it is true: protection of free speech ends up limiting the right itself. Isn’t it funny how life is full of paradoxes?
I noticed that your writing provokes a lot of thought and definitely some unconventional views on conventional topics. It is something that I could learn from you.
Best,
Tomas
I disagree, Tom ;)
Seriously though, there’s a big difference between disagreeing and an argument. Arguments don’t accomplish anything, because people argue rather than discuss. But disagreeing is simply providing an alternate viewpoint to a certain topic.
Of course, it’s in the personal responsibility of the person to provide that viewpoint in an effective matter – non-pushy and respectful of the other person. That’s where most people fail, and why disagreeing gets a bad connotation.
My latest disagreements? I’ve calmly and constructively disagreed with some of my parents’ friends about career choice. Those that think 9-5 dayjob is the only way, and me seeing and validating their viewpoint while providing an alternate way to “make a living” via passive income – building value-giving systems that generate money on its own.
Besides hopefully providing them with food for thought, I’ve come to understand why some would prefer to go the dayjob route. I still feel the rigid schedule isn’t the most effective way to live, and it’s certainly not for me, but I understand why some consciously like it at least (I believe they’ll like passive income more though).
Here’s to constructively disagreeing and learning new things from others,
Oleg
PS. This isn’t a big deal, but I feel it’s easier to read names in a conversation rather than X & Y. Just some simple names, like Joe and Sonya. Could just be me, of course.
PPS. Excellent pic. Fight Club Brad Pitt is badass.
Hey Oleg:
Thank you for sharing your story. I would call that taking disagreement to the next level.
Interesting that you differentiate between disagreement and argument. I personally use them interchangeably. I actually discussed this issue in one of my earlier posts about definitions and why so many issues arise in life: people have different understandings of the same words.
Once again, thank you for sharing your unique point of view and disagreeing with my article about disagreeing. I am glad that are taking my advice to heart ;)
Best of luck and keep writing!
Best,
Tomas
Actually, I wasn’t even disagreeing with anything in your article – the first sentence was sarcastic :) I guess starting off with it made the comment seem that way.
Ironically, I did try to find something to disagree with for the sake of the topic but had to agree with everything. Especially since you focus on bringing value and validating opposing viewpoints rather than disagreeing just to stir some shiz up.
Interesting point on people’s definitions of words. I’m sure it brings up (sometimes hilarious) misinterpretations when people talk and read. Like how fag in England means a cigarette but in America means… well, yeah.
Here’s to not taking things as is and bringing up opposing questions for the sake of valuable and constructive discussion,
Oleg
Very interesting message because I often find that people avoid disagreements because they do not “own” their opinions. The result is extreme frustration, severed relationships, and constipation of emotions. We were born to share our thoughts and views with others, who may or may not, have a similar outlook on the world. Just recently, I had a disagreement with someone about the concept of a CULT. The individaul who I was speaking with wholeheaterdly believed that a CULT was an extremely negative term that inflicted harm on the world. He immediately thought of events that have taken place in history, even though he never experienceded them, and was adament about these thoguhts. Although I understoof where he was comging from, I did not agree that all CULTS were destructive and instead could actually do wonderful things in our world.
The first area that I addressed was the latin derivative of the word CULT which is cultus and can be defined as CARING. This means that the intention of a CULT, before it was misconstrued by people of power, was to form a community who CARED for one another. This is obviosuly not a BAD thing!
The second point that I mentioned was the concept of CULT BRANDING. Oprah, Apple, Converse, Linux, Harley Davidson etc. are all brands which have developed a cult-like following. The amount of power that these brands possess far surpasses the magnitude of the cults from the past which destoryed anything and everything who had a different opinion.
The third point is pertained to the concept of duality. I believe that the difference between a destructive cult and benign cult is the leadership. Groups who have a visionary at the helm that is looking to do something profound in the world can use the power in the numbers of the cult in order to make this a reality. The point I am making is that the INTENTION needs to be clearly defined.
When it was all said and done, I appreciated the opposing opinion and learned to agree with this thought process. I also realized that this disagreement allowed me to gain an even greater sense of clarity on an opinion that I hold near and dear to my heart. The key to any disagreement is to understand and “own” your philosophies in life. You do not need to have statstics or supporting documents, and instead just need to state how you feel about a topic, but be open to opposing opinions as well.
Great post Tomas!
Dear Jared:
WOW. This has been the longest comment anybody has ever written on my blog! Not only that, it is extremely well though out and valuable. It seems that you are really passionate about the topic of cults and branding (hence your blog).
I really do find myself gaining clarity after and argument which I did not have before. Arguments will make you think of things that you did not think of before and back your opinions in more depth.
I am glad that you are using this in your personal life and I am sure that you will be grately benefited because of your attitude in life.
Best of luck and I hoep to see you back here again :)
Tomas
Clarity in communication is also key in argumentation, as illustrated by Jared.
Jared used an etymological defense: ‘Cult’ comes from the word for care, and shares roots with culture and cultivation. Therefore, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I would respond, then, that ‘war’ comes from the Latin werre, meaning “to confuse or perplex”. Therefore, no one is getting hurt, it’s just all razzle-dazzle. The word ‘holocaust’ originally meant “a [whole] burnt offering to God.” So … yeah. Words are more or less arbitrary labels, so etymology is not useful in attributing cultural value.
Therefore, we need to rely on more than just the one label to make sure we’re talking about the same things.
The functional definition of “cults” your opponent was surely relying on can be found on the FBI’s website, or Cultwatch.com, or a sociology textbook. These definitions use words like “exploitation,” “mind control,” and “unquestioning devotion.” In the common dictionary, you can find relaxed/vernacular uses of the same word which basically means “a bunch of people devoted to a common idea or philosophy”, which can be used to describe just about any organization — even the readers of this blog.
In other words, you and your friend were arguing about two completely different things. Hence the frustration.
Dear Follier:
Very insightful comment, I truly appreciate your visit. You made a very good point: it is crucial to be clear of what you are arguing about.
However, even if you do not have a clear understanding of that you are arguing about two different things, it can still be beneficial. Why? The person might talk about the argument with others (somebody like you), who might be able to provide a different perspective which could solve the misunderstanding.
Thank you for a great analysis and I am looking forward to hearing back from you more frequently!
Best,
Tomas
2 Trackbacks
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tomas Stonkus, Tomas Stonkus. Tomas Stonkus said: RT @tweetmeme How To Create Value By Disagreeing http://bit.ly/6o25Cw [...]
[...] the past, I wrote how disagreement can create value. Many times it provides with different perspective on the same issue and so on. However, arguing [...]