I have been writing on a regular basis for four months now. Writing is a form of self examination, a way to express the ideas and thoughts that matter to you the most. Given enough time, you will start noticing reoccurring thoughts and ideas, which will eventually form patterns.
I would like to share one pattern that, I believe, is the root cause for people’s unhappiness in their life. It is a simple, yet powerful observation. I am not trying praise myself here. I truly believe that the following observation holds a lot of weight if fully understood.
People lead unhappy lives because they cannot tell the difference between the means and the ends.
To be more exact, people think that some means are the ends. If we were to understand things for what they are, our lives would be much simpler. To make things clear, let us define means and ends.
I look at means as tools, which help you achieve your ends or goals. Let us assume we are building a house. House is our end, it is our goal. It is something that we want to accomplish. In order to do that, we are going to need a variety of tools: bricks, cement, wood, hammers, nails, glass, etc. Pretty simple stuff.
However, for some reason, when it comes to our personal lives, we are in the fog as to what the tools are and what the goals are. Actually, most of us are in the fog because we have no clear set goals of what we want to accomplish in our lives. That is why misinterpret some of the tools to be our goals. Only if we took the time to figure out what it is that we want to accomplish in our lives, then the distinction between means and ends would be clear.
Ends would be something that we have defined ourselves as a specific measurable and objective goal that we want to achieve and means would be everything else.
I know it all sounds a bit complex, but let us look at two of the most common misinterpretations that people make.
“Being happy is my goal”. I disagree. Being happy should never be anyone’s goal. Happiness is just an emotion. It is an important emotion, which only tells us that whatever we are doing now is good for us and it is important to us. I believe it is a mistake to chase “being happy” as the purpose of life. Happiness is a side effect of achieving your goals that you have set for yourself. Happiness is a side effect of following your life’s purpose. That is all. If we confuse happiness to be something that we must achieve, then we automatically doom ourselves for unhappiness. Do not make this mistake. Remember and repeat the following: Happiness is a side effect of me following my life’s purpose.
“I want to be rich”. I disagree. Being rich should never be anybody’s goal. Money is just a tool that can be used to accomplish our goals. Simultaneously, it is a side effect of achieving your goals and following your life’s passion. That is where true wealth lies: in becoming what you have always dreamed of becoming. If you make being rich as one of your goals, then once you achieve this “goal”, you will feel empty and betrayed. Please do not make this mistake. Remember and repeat the following: Wealth is side effect of me following my life’s purpose.
I can promise you that if you understand and differentiate between means and ends, you will be able to lead a rich and fulfilling life. However, if you mistake means for ends, be prepared for the unpleasant.
Which road do you want to take? Which road are you on right now?
“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau
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Image: thefost
10 Comments
Dear Mr. Stonkus,
My first thoughts upon reading this article was a big “Hmmm…”. I am glad I stumbled upon this bit of light reading. I find myself often confused between the means with my ends. I guess in life, what our “ends” will amount to will take more than just self reflection.
Take myself for example, I can perhaps generate a mental picture of where I “vaguely” stand in 5 years in terms of practical measurements such as social/financial and relationship status. Couldn’t this be a short term “end” that I want to get to? Or is it still consider as another “tool” or the means to which I still need to discover that ultimate “end” where I want to get to?
So many questions… Thoughtful article,
Sincerely,
Tony Yang
Hey Tony:
Here is my take:
Life goes kind of like this: we all have a life purpose. In order to achieve that purpose we complete certain projects, which can be broken down into smaller daily actions.
So in your example, your social/financial and relationship status might be stepping stone to get to a different place. Here’s a good way to think about this.
I want to be X to do this…
For example, I want to be rich (tangible amount) to accomplish this and that. Money is kind of like a goal that later on turns into a tool. If that makes sense. Try this formula out to figure what is a goal and what is an end.
It is a “mean” if the following formula can be applied: I want to be X, so I can do Y.
It is an end if the following formula can be applied: I want to do X, because of Y.
Once you have mentioned it, I can see how many “means” can actually become temporary “ends” in order to accomplish an overarching goal, which would be achieving your purpose in life.
I hope that makes sense. Simple things are not that simple….
Best,
Tomas
Hey Tom,
The Thoreau quote is beautiful and spot on.
You become unhappy by chasing a means, not the end. And it’s tough to clearly differentiate when you’re so emotionally invested – it IS your own life, after all.
It’s easy with building a house because we see it from the outside. With an objective point of view, we’re able to clearly differentiate the means from the end.
So, the trick is to objectively look at your life. Step back and pretend it’s a different person. Emotionally disconnect yourself from your life for a moment.
Then, you’ll be able to more easily see what the means and ends are, and if you’ve been confusing the former for the latter (great examples with chasing happiness and money, Tom).
By clearing up and re-focusing on the real ends, you’ll stop chasing the unchasable (a fleeting emotion) and start pursuing something that will naturally bring that positive emotion.
Best,
Oleg
PS. Great headline.
Hey Oleg:
Thanks for the compliments :)
I think the best way to step outside of yourself is to write and journal. If you do it enough times, you will separate your emotions from your thoughts and gain clarity. It takes time and effort, but the end results is worth.
It amazes me how little things like that make such a huge difference in our lives.
Best,
Tomas
Some of the world’s billionaires made it their goal to become rich so they can use the funds to create possitive social and economic change in the world. And, they did make wonderful changes in this world. Is chasing money always a bad thing? Or is it just chasing money for the sake of money and luxary items the issue?
Hey Zenobia:
You are making a good point. Yet, I believe that those billionaires had the bigger goal in mind and looked at the accumulation of money as mean to achieve those goals. I guess that would be the best way to explain it. So in the end money is just a mean.
But I see what you are saying. In the end, accumulation of money or seeking happiness are just means or tools to achieve the real goals.
Best,
Tomas
I agree with both of you. To Zenobia’s point I would say look at the richest people in the world and try to ask this simple question? “What was their goal when they set out to become what they are today?”
I am pretty certain that in most cases you will find IMPACT ON OTHER PEOPLE’S LIFE as their end. Money/wealth then became their means, which allowed them to reach the end.
To address the cases where wealthy people have, for whatever reason, set MONETARY WEALTH as their end, I would just postulate the following: once they reached their end/goal they either have changed it or they became quite miserable… drugs, addiction, obsessions, etc.
Now thinking about this, I would conclude the following: your means should be achievable and measurable goals/stepping-stones, and your end should be something intangible, and…(yes i will say this) NEVER FULLY ACHIEVABLE. If they are achievable, you will either have to push the bar higher and change your end or you will not live your life to the fullest because at that point you will “have arrived”. You should never arrive to the end, unless your life actually ends.
Too vague? please comment, as I have this pretty clear in my head but may not be articulating myself clearly.
p.s. Tom, stellar article. LOVED iT! This blog keeps getting better!
Hey Karolis:
Thank you so much for the compliments! I really appreciate, the positive feedback helps me keep writing and keep going.
A quick comment on setting a goal the is never achievable. If by a “goal” you mean your life purpose, then “Yes”. I think that your ultimate life purpose should never be achievable, that way you can spend your lifetime trying to fulfill it. That way your ultimate goal will always outlive your life. It reminds me of dedicating your life to an idea, which never dies.
However, I do believe that intermittent goals should be achievable otherwise, it will be difficult to measure your progress. If that makes sense? Let me know if I understood it correctly. Would love to discuss this in more detail!
Looking forward to your response!
Best,
Tomas
Yes, by “goals” i mean the life goal, not “stepping stones”, which as I mentioned are necessarily measurable.
Thanks for response!
Wow.
“Happiness is a side effect of me following my life’s purpose.”
And there I have been, wanting to “be happy” and seeing it as my goal …
But on the other hand, if one isn’t sure what the purpose of one’s life is, then what?
For me, this is the biggest problem, the biggest source of unhappiness.
“Understanding and differentiating between means and ends” is a good concept, but it doesn’t help if one isn’t sure about those ends to begin with.
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