I sometimes wait to write later in the day. Sometimes I do it because I don’t have time in the morning. Sometimes I just wait for inspiration. Inspiration comes from the articles I read or the experiences throughout the day. Well, this article is inspired by an event that happened today.
If you guess that I was pissed off because of the event, then you are right. The only good thing that is going to come out of that negative experience is this article.
The Mistake
In the past, I wrote how disagreement can create value. Many times it provides a different perspective on the same issue and so on. However, arguing has to be done the right way, otherwise it can lead to resentment.
From my experience today, I have come to the following conclusion: before engaging in a conversation and proposing your own perspective on an issue, make sure you understand the other person’s perspective completely.
If you do not take the time to completely understand the other person, then you will just end up insulting the other individual by making assumptions. Also, it is extremely difficult to even talk to a person when you know they did not care enough to research and understand your point of view.
Moreover, when you make assumptions without having the whole picture, you are going into the conversation with a closed mind with a predetermined outcome in your mind. That is the exact reason why you are not able to understand the other person completely to begin with. Your emotions and your prejudice get in the way. Your mind gets closed off before the interaction even starts.
Going to a conversation with a closed mind and a lack of complete information, you are sure to piss somebody off. Even if you won’t piss them off, they will be hesitant to ever talk to you again.
The Solution
So how do you actually avoid making this mistake?
1.Try to figure out why you want to engage in the interaction to begin with. Figure out your intentions first. If your intentions are to prove the other person wrong, then you might as well just drop the idea. However, if you intend to learn a different perspective and suggest an alternative view to the other person, then that in itself will help you keep an open mind.
2.Do your research before engaging in an interaction. If you have the right mindset, then do your best to understand the different perspective. This will require you leaving the emotions behind you and understanding things for what they are. This will challenge you, but do your best.
3.Clarify before making a point. After completing the above two steps, here comes the crucial one. Summarize the other persons perspective to your opponent to make sure you understand their point of view exactly. This will show the other person that you actually took the time to understand their perspective and did your homework instead of just unloading your views and perceptions on them.
Do the above three steps and you will be able engage in more meaningful connections with other individuals. Try it out and see the magic work. This is part of the art of listening, truly listening. This is the skill that will help you open new doors and deeper understanding about life.
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Image: danorbit
6 Comments
The first point will show that in the big majority of cases it is about to impose one’s opinion over the other person, both ways.
You are right about this, but to really achieve a meaninful interaction two parts are needed and nowadays it is pretty common the intention to prevail over to learn.
Still, engaging in a discussion while applying these rules is an excellent way to practice patience and exercise to learn to open one’s mind.
Sometimes it is really difficult to achieve the purpose in the heat of a discussion, but practice makes perfect.
A post to be enlighten, thank you!
Raul
Hey Raul:
You are welcome :) I am glad you found this valuable. It is my experience that the intent makes a huge difference when trying to keep an open mind.
If your intent is to learn something then you will do just fine, but if you come in with a closed mind already, then get ready for some negativity.
And you are right, the more we do it, the more we are able to control our emotions and have them help us keep our cool.
Best,
Tomas
Loved the post and I absolutely agree with you. I have been thinking a lot about that lately and think is very difficult to discuss things beyond a certain point.
Sooner or later there is always a disagreement because of a certain worldview on both sides, which makes it almost impossible to continue.
I have been comparing debate and dialogue lately and my view at this moment is that I would love to see a combination of both. I love the more open minded version of a dialogue, but I also like the more critical side of a debate.
Proving the other wrong is very dangerous, but I think it certainly can serve a goal. If it is done with people who totally respect each other, I think discussions can be very interesting that way, if it is done in a playful, challenging way with genuine respect.
Dear Annemieke:
Welcome to Uncertain Change! Thanks for reading the post.
One thing that struck a chord with me was what you said about respect. I have had some of the most interesting conversations about religion, differing worldviews where we both understood that nobody was trying convince the other party, we both took the time to listen and full understand where the other party is coming from and maintained a respectful attitude the whole time.
If every conversation, debate, or dialogue was like that then the world would be a better place. The second we spot respecting the other party, the second the dialogue stops!
Thank you for the insight, Annemieke!
Best,
Tomas
Hello! Your post reminds me of Stephen Covey’s Habit Five: Seek First to Understand and Then To Be Understood. If all nations could come from this perspective, we would be a much more peaceful world! Thank you for the great reminders and tips. The bumper sticker on my grandparents’ car sums it up perfectly, too–it says “Listen to someone today.” :)
Dear Michelle:
Welcome! And I thought I was the first one to think of this! Darn you, Stephen Convey! :)
It is true, if we all spend just little bit of time listening everyday, we would all come to understand how many similarities we all share! There are some many wonderful messages out there (like the bumper sticker on your grandparent’s car); some many great tips, but instead of absorbing them and putting them to use, we are quick to push our worldviews on others without realizing that we might be talking about the same thing :)
Thank you for the visit! Looking forward to more!
Best,
Tomas
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