I am very excited to share with you all yet another guest post.

This time, I wrote an article for Goodlife ZEN.

“You can find weekly, practical inspiration at Goodlife ZEN. Get a new take on life, find creative ways to make your wildest dreams come true, and become what you aspire to be.”

Warm thanks go out to Mary, who gave me the opportunity to share my thoughts on her great and inspiring blog.

5 ways to escape the escapist weekend

Here is an excerpt form the article:

“It is Thursday. You are already thinking about Friday. It is Friday morning. You are thinking about Friday afternoon. It is Friday afternoon. It is here.

What do you do?

We all look forward to weekends because it is the time for us to relax, become refreshed, and energized. Ironically enough, only a few us manage to do that. The rest of us just use the weekends to escape from our problems, troubles, work, and “reality” all together.”

Click here to continue reading…

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Image: nattu

I went skydiving and I survived. I am here to show and tell and share my experience with you all and encourage you to take on more risks in life which will change you forever!

Why Skydiving

Skydiving seems to be the ultimate challenge for the most people in life. It looks so scary and life threatening, but yet at the same time somehow safe.

When I told people that I am going skydiving, the typical response I heard was: “Why would I want to jump out of a perfectly good plane?” I did not know how to respond to those people. Maybe it was not for them. After all, it was their choice and their life.

I did not want to convince them to join me, but I knew that I had perfectly good reasons for skydiving:

• unique experience of a life time
• an exercise in overcoming the fear of fear
• making a tough decision and sticking with it
• challenging myself
• putting myself out of my comfort zone

Why I Went Alone

To my surprise I heard a couple of people saying that they wanted to go skydiving as well! I was excited! I did not want to do it alone!

Almost all of them told me: “Yea! It’s awesome! Let’s do it!”

Then I would follow up with them and all I would hear would be this: “Yea, I am busy that weekend”; “I had change of plans”, etc. I was disappointed, but I was expecting that. I came to expect for people to say one thing and do a different one. It seems that most of us are just scared of taking risks and rather stick with what we know.

Finally, I realized that if I waited for somebody else to come along , I would never end up go skydiving. I had to do it alone. So I just picked a date, signed up and waited to go skydiving. It felt good, but I was already getting nervous.

I Was Afraid

To be exact, I was afraid. No doubt about that. I had a list of questions and images running through my head:

• Am I going to die?
• If I die, is it going to be painful?
• How am i going to feel when I realize that I am going to die?
• Am I going to break my back?
• Is it safe?
• What if the parachute doesn’t go off?
• What if the plane crashes?
• How much experience does every body else have?
• What are the chances of death?
• What’s the worst thing that can happen?
• etc.

Luckily, I realized that skydiving is just like breathing to some people. I realized that I was not alone in my adventure. The Falling Illini president took me to the skydiving spot. He has done over 200 jumps! I did not even think that anybody would jump out of a plane more than once.

He was able to answer many of my questions and concerns and explained how everything worked. That provided me with some peace of mind. However, words did not mean much and I was as afraid as ever.

Still, I stuck with the plan. While we were driving, it all seemed surreal: I wasn’t really going to go skydiving; this is just a dream! Reality kicked in when we finally arrived and I saw the planes, the parachutes, the field, and people landing from 10,000 feet in the air.

I was not alone. People from all different ages, different levels of experience and different walks of life gathered that day to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

Finally, I paid. The actions were set in motion and there was no turning back. . Slowly but surely, my turn to skydive came. As I was getting ready, I wanted to scream and shout: “Hold up! Can I have some more time? I am not ready! I need more time!” and so on. Yet, things just kept moving and before I knew it I was on the plane. What happened next is history.

I did it!

Lessons Learned

After I landed, I had a lot of time to think and relax. Everything that I just did started to sink in. Here is what I learned from the whole experience:

• Just do it! Just go ahead and do it. If it is something that you want to do, nothing will stop you. All you have to do is decide to do it. Once the first domino falls, the rest will seem seamless and easy. Deciding to do something is key.
• Face the fear. Diving into the unknown, into uncertainty is scary! But the only way to conquer that fear is to face and keep going despite it. Fear is just an emotion saying to you: “You are doing something you have not done before!” That’s great! You are exploring unknown territories within yourself. You are growing!
• Be prepared to go alone. Most people will not face the fear. They will stay where they are. They are not comfortable with the emotion of fear, but you are! That is why there is a chance that you will start alone. It might be discouraging, but rewards in life come with a price.
• You are not alone. You might start out alone, but you will not end up alone. There are other courageous people out there, who are carving their own destiny, their own path in life. Once you leave the ones that are afraid, you will me the ones who are courageous.
• Seek guidance. You are not the first and not the last to travel this new road that you chose. Others have done it. Find them. Find them and ask them questions. Their knowledge will enlighten your path and ease your fears. Uncertainty makes us afraid. We like to know things. So educate yourself about your fear until the uncertainty is gone!
• Prepare for a change. Once you face and overcome your fear, you will change. You will change in ways you did not expect. Your current environment, you current friends and your current lifestyle might not seem appropriate for the person that you have become. But that’s the price of change. Are you willing to pay?

I Changed

Indeed, after skydiving many things changed. Everything seemed so trivial. Skydiving was like whole new world that I have not realized existed. Coming back to “reality” was weird: the sky did not look the same, people did not look the same to me, my fears were not the scary any more.

Most importantly, I became comfortable with uncertainty. I became comfortable with taking risk and facing my fears. I became comfortable with making tough decisions is sticking by them. I felt like I was born all over again.

It’s Your Turn

You do not have to go skydiving to go skydiving. There are so many opportunities in life where you can put yourself at risk, face your fears and realize how trivial they were. You will start looking at a world through a different pair of glasses. Danger will turn in opportunity, fear will turn into growth.

Do you want to go skydiving without going skydiving? If so:

• Go speak in front of a large group of people – you will survive!
• Go ask the girl or guy out – you will survive!
• Stand up for yourself – you will survive!
• Quit your crappy job – you will survive!
• Do what you want to do – you will survive!

Not only you will survive, you will learn and grow and become stronger and stronger with each new experience!

Lately, I have been working on my personal life manifesto. I already have come up with a life purpose. I am yet to create a mission statement and life long goals that I want to accomplish. However, I did successfully complete creating a list of my own personal values.

Importance Of Values

Values are like your compass in life, helping you make the right decisions and keep yourself in check. Depending on what you value, you will pursue different goals. For example, if you value helping people then you would never take a job that hurts them. If you value cleanliness, then your environment should always be clean and pleasant. If you value simplicity, then you will abstain from acquiring unnecessary possessions.

Sometimes, we are aware of what is important to us. However, more often than not we forget what truly matters and go off doing things that are not related to our lives. That is why I believe it is important to always carry a written list of your core values with you. That way, you can always reference and look at it everyday, so core values stay fresh in your mind. For that purpose, I bought a journal to write down my values and carry with me everywhere.

How To Discover Your Values

I attempted to list my values multiple times. However, they were unsuccessful. I could not seem to really find a way of learning what mattered to me. I was confused with too many values to pick from. Finally, I stumbled upon this simple method to discover your values in about one hour or so.

Here are the steps:

• Take out a sheet of paper and write down what you dislike other about other people. What annoys you about others is something that you value yourself. Take the time to do this. Write out all of the qualities in other people that bother you. List whatever comes to your mind until you cannot think of anything else. Personal example; I cannot stand the following:
  • people that lie to me
  • people who are late
  • hypocrites
  • people who whine and complain
  • etc.

• Then, turn those negative qualities into your own values. For example, if you cannot stand people that are lying to you, then your value could be honesty. If lazy people annoy you, then your value could be pro-activity. And so on.

• Once you do that, you can look for similar values so you can simplify and narrow down your list. You might have concentration and focus on that same piece of paper, just cross one out and leave the one that makes sense to you.

• Once you have a completel list, try prioritizing it so you know the most important values in your life. I personally put some of the following values in my top 10: growth, experience, integrity, independence.

The above described method is really simple, but it has truly helped me understand what is important to me and what I should strive for in my life.

Why Does It Work

“Be the change that you want to be in the world.” That is where I got the idea from. If we notice something that we do not like in others, then it must be important enough to us that we take the time to get annoyed by. When a person does something that irritates us, we feel like they have disrespected us. That is where our values lie. That is why I believe the above method is so effective at helping you create a list of core values

ACTION: Try it out and let me know how it worked out for you! Remember to write them down as well as follow them yourself!

Pepsi or Coke?

Imagine yourself going to the grocery store. You are walking around picking your groceries. You pass the beverage isle. Before you know it, you reach for Pepsi. Or is it Coke? Even though there is a huge variety of other drinks around you, chances are that you picked either Pepsi or Coke. Now ask yourself: “Why did I pick it?” Is it because one tastes better than the other? Is it because Coke or Pepsi has advantages or one another? Do you even know?

Chances are you do not know why you picked Pepsi instead of Coke or vice versa. But I know who can tell you that. It is the advertising and marketing departments of both Coke and Pepsi. Those companies put millions or even billions of dollars into advertising to sell you mediocre products. Companies analyze and research how and why people make decisions; how people create emotional bonds with products; how people perceive products. Once they have that information, they use it to create new brands or reinforce already existing ones.

What does branding mean to you?

To me branding means creating desired associations with a certain name that would not otherwise be there. Once again, what do you think of when you think of Coke? What does thinking of Pepsi bring to your mind? Answering that might give you a glimpse of why you pick Coke or Pepsi over hundreds of other choices.

So, why do companies focus on branding, advertising and marketing so much? Because it matters. It creates value in people’s minds. It differentiates products one from another even though in reality they might be exactly the same.

Now comes the real question: how much do you focus on branding, advertising and marketing yourself?

Brand Yourself

Until very recently, I believed that it should not matter what others thought of me. I believed that the only thing that should matter is what I think of myself. Now that belief has changed. Hopefully, you will understand why after finishing this article.

It is very important what others think of you. To be more exact it is more important what you make others think of you. Pepsi and Coke are always telling you what to think of their products. They tell you to feel happy, refreshed, enthusiastic, energetic, etc. through marketing and advertising. Why can’t you do the same? Why leave it up to others to tell you who you really are? Why not tell others what they should think of you? Why not? You should and you should do it NOW!

Left to it’s own devices, people will talk anything they want about you based on they way you act, talk or interact with others. Imagine if you told others what you want them to think of you. What would happen? They will start thinking of you that exact way. The trick here is to act congruently with what you tell others. Otherwise, people will soon realize that you are fake. If you are able to not only talk the talk but also walk the walk, people will start having the associations that you want them to have when they hear your name.

Why is all of the above important? Why is it important what others think of you? Simple answer is: it opens opportunities that would not otherwise be there. Imagine if you create an image of yourself as a reliable and trustworthy person who is easy to get along. Now also imagine that you are looking for a job. Now, one of your friends with this positive image in their head talks to an employer who is looking for people who are reliable, trustworthy and easy to get along. Whose name do you think will come up? Chances are: Yours.

You will have the upper hand. You will be the Pepsi or the Coke amongst the sea of other candidates. I hope now you can see why it is important what others think of you and why you should them what to think of you and act congruently later on. That is how you will create a brand for yourself.

Validation

Even though it is important what others think of you, it is important not to get caught in the trap of validation. Here is how it works.

1. You decide what you want others to think of you
2. You tell them what to think of you
3. You act on it.

Your job is done. If somebody does not like it, then it is their problem. You have chosen and decided the way you want to be perceived. You are in control of how others think of you. Naturally, there will be individuals who will not like you for various reasons, but that should be of no concern to you. If they do not like you for who you are, then they have no business being around you either way. Just stay confident, be yourself and forget the rest.

Have you ever had such a bad experience that you never ever wanted to remember it again in your life? Yet, no matter how hard you tried to forget it, it kept coming back and torturing you? Maybe it was because you did or didn’t do something that hurt other people. Maybe it was because somebody hurt you. Either way, the past seemed to always be there with you never letting go and reminding you of that bad action what you made.

If you experienced any of the above, I have news for you – you are a human being. Yet, in order to even being to understand answering the question of how to let go of the past, we have to examine time first.

What is Time?

Why we are going to examine time – because understanding the past is not enough. It is impossible to understand the past without talking about the past, the present, and the future together. Combining the above mentioned elements together gives us time as we understand it. I understand the there are many ways to look at time. Therefore, we are going to leave the quantum mechanics and physics aside. Instead we are going to focus  on time from a psychological perspective.

In that sense, time does not really exist. What exists is the experience. Nothing else. There is no past or the future. There has always been and there will always be only the present. Our brains take those experiences and store them in our brain as memories, which we label the past. Those memories are stored in our brain as collection of neurons. The brain then uses those connections to form our habits and behaviors. In addition, our brains forms possible future outcomes based on our past experiences. Those simulations try to protect us from making bad decisions, which would end up hurting us. They also encourage making decisions, which in our head, should produce a favorable outcome.

However, sometimes we experience really strong negative emotions which form an extremely strong neuron connection in our brain. Most of the time, those connections cannot be easily broken. Yet, we do not have to break them. All we need to do is change the way we understand that experience in order to change the way that emotion makes us feel. So how do we do what?

How to Let Go of The Past?

Most people try to forget negative experiences. Yet, the act of trying to forget something naturally reactivates and strengthens the chemical reaction associated with that emotion and experience. Here is what I found what works for me:

1. Understand that past does not exist. It is all in your head. It is a collection of memories, which your brain chose to save for the future use. The event itself has passed as if it never happened.
2. Understand that you are not in the present if you are thinking about the past. It has some serious implications. Living in your head, might cause you to lose focus and cost you opportunities to advance your life towards a direction that you want to do. Ask yourself if suffering about the past is worth sacrificing the present?
3. Understand that you cannot control that past. This is the biggest stepping stone in letting go of the past. I’ll say it once again: Understand that you cannot control that past. What done is done. The only result you have is the experience that you carry with you; nothing else.
4. Accept that you cannot control the past. This might be harder than you think, but  try to truly understand that you truly cannot control anything that has already happened and that trying to do so will cause you to relive the whole experience over and over again.
5. Forgive yourself and take responsibility for your actions by speaking the truth to yourself and others. Do this even if you do not think you did anything wrong.
6. Forgive others for hurting you.
7. Learn the lesson that you had to learn from the experience. That is why it happened. A negative experience is nothing more than a way for the universe to tell you that you were doing something wrong and that you need to learn what ever needs to be learned.
8. Be grateful for that negative experience because of the value and depth that it has brought into your life.
9. Live NOW!

All of these steps require courage, time and dedication. They are not easy, but the rewards are fulfilling and lead to a greater and more rewarding life. Let go of your past – NOW!

Summary

This article is going to offer a practical guide to self-awareness. Last week I discussed awareness and it’s importance in our lives. Yet, from my experience, I know that people are looking not only for theoretical knowledge, but for practical tips of how to implement a change in their lives. That is why today I am giving you a free practical guide to self-awareness based on personal experiences: “Look Outside To Learn About What’s Inside.”

Assumptions

It is my strong belief supported by my experiences that the world outside of ourselves is a pretty good indicator of what is going inside. It reveals unparalleled information about our emotional state of being. If you read my article on emotions, then you know how much information emotions actually hold.

What is the basis in saying that  the world outside  of ourselves is a pretty good indicator of what is going inside? Experience. That’s the quick answer.

The more detailed answer follows. Most people seek validation for their actions, thoughts and feelings. We naturally want to be understood and fit in with others. That is how we connect with the rest of the world. It is good a good part of our human nature if you use for the right purposes.

However, it can be harmful if it is used carelessly. If people are feeling negative emotions, they will be more likely to seek validation of their feelings by subconsciously seeking negativity. It may come in various forms. Some people turn to other negative people; some turn to unhealthy foods; some turn to sad or depressing music, movies, books. etc. All of the above actions are meant to validate that our negative emotions are normal. In essence, they are meant to make us feel good about feeling bad. That is a trap that most people fail to become aware of.

Look Outside To Learn What’s Inside

That is exactly why I wrote this article – to increasing your awareness of your emotional state of being. The simple correlation between your inner world and your outer one is this: disorder or negativity on the outside usually reflects the same on the inside. It is important to not use this guide to evaluate other people’s inner emotional states. Most people are good at hiding even the smallest things from the outsiders. This guide is intended for your own personal use and evaluation only.
There are five ways that we absorb information from the outside world:

• sight,
• hearing,
• taste,
• touch,
• smell.

With that in mind, I will teach you how to use those five senses to increase the awareness of your emotions. Ask yourself the questions listed bellow and examine the answers that you get. The accumulation of those answers should give you a pretty good understanding of what is going on the inside.

1. What do you see?
   • What do you see in the mirror?
     1. Are you satisfied with your physical fitness?
        • Be honest with yourself. Could you be in a better physical shape than you are today? It is important to clarify one point: just because you are not happy with the way your body looks, does not mean that you are not in shape. For example, you could be in the best shape of your life and still could be unhappy with your body. Leave negative body images aside.
     2. Is there a smile on your face?
        • A fellow blogger and a good friend of mine, Oleg Mokhov, covered smiling in one of his outstanding articles: “How to Drastically Improve Your Mood: Smile”
     3. Are you well-groomed?
        • Do you take the time to shave, get a haircut, etc?
     4. How does your skin look?
        • Healthy skin goes back to proper nutrition and stress management. Are you doing a good job at managing both?
     5. Do you have healthy teeth?
        • Do you take time everyday to brush your teeth to keep them healthy?
   • What movies are you watching?
     • Are they happy, thoughtful movies with social commentary? Are they comedies that give you a good laugh? Are they horror movies? Are they existentialist movies? Are they drama filled?
   • What do you see around yourself?
     • Is your desk messy? Is your house messy? Is your bedroom neat? Is computer organized? Is your car clean? What about your garage? What about your yard? What about your closet? What do you see on your way to work? What about the neighborhood that you live?
   • What do you read?
     • Are you reading self-help blogs, magazines, books? Are you reading knowledge enhancing books? Are you reading drama? Are you reading comics?
   • What clothes do you wear?
     • Are they dark? Are they bright? Do you wear “happy” colors?
2. What do you hear?
   • What music do you listen to?
     • Is it happy? Is it peaceful? It it rowdy, angry, energetic, sad, motivating, relaxing?
   • What are people saying to you?
     • The basic question here is: “Are you surrounding yourself with the right people?” Are they positive or negative? Do they complain a lot? Do they encourage you? Do they strive to achieve things in life? Do they look for solutions?  Do they gossip?
   • What about the noise outside?
     • Is it quiet? Is it noisy? Can you sleep and rest well?
3. What do you smell?
   • How do you smell?
     • Do you take the time to take care of yourself? Do you smell fresh and clean? Are your clothes clean?
   • How does your environment smell?
     • Do you live by a road, a factory? Do you live by a park? Do you like in the country? How does your house, your room, your office, your bathroom smell?
   • How does your food smell?
     • Does it smell fresh? Does it smell inviting?
4. What do you taste?
   • How does your food taste?
     • This question basically deals with your diet. Does your food taste good? Is it something that you should be eating? Is it the right food for you?
   • How does your water taste?
     • Does it taste fresh? Is it refreshing?
5. What do you touch?
   • Are your clothes smooth to the touch? What about your skin? Other textures around you?
     

The reasons for choosing junk food over healthy one over are various and complex and I do not believe the discussion of those reasons would add any value to this discussion. That is why I am going to omit them for the time being.

How To Use The Information

1. Get in the habit of asking yourself these questions and monitoring the responses. That will give you a ton of data to work with.
2. Catch yourself in a certain emotional state fast! If it is not a pleasant one, then you will be able to do something about it fast.
3. Identify habits, places, people, foods, activities that are not healthy for you and that can and probably should be changed.
4. Change what you do not life. Just like your inner emotions will attract you to ideas, places, sounds, etc to support that inner states, so can the outside environment influence the way you feel inside. It is my experience that environment is a huge factor in the way we feel in life and what we do. So if you want to change your emotional state of being , then you should consciously change the way your perceive yourself. You should change your environment to support the new emotional sate that you want to be in.

Some things might be easy to fix. For example, you can start smiling, brushing your teeth, washing your clothes regularly, cleaning your desk or room today. However, some changes will take much longer. For example, changing the people that you hang out with, moving to a different neighborhood , getting a different job, getting in shape, eating proper foods might you take you a long time. Yet I believe that is possible and many people have done it.

The important things that you are aware of your emotional state and being able to identify things that limit your growth and eliminating or changing them. If you are looking for effective ways to simplify your life and eliminate the unnecessary, I highly recommend ZenHabits.net.

Thank you for reading.

***DISCLAIMER: Also, a reader must understand that correlation does not imply causation. That is, just because your car is messy or that you like horror movies does not mean that you necessarily have emotional issues to deal with. The same is true for the opposite: just because you are watching good movies, listen to calm music, are well put together does not mean that your emotions are under control. I just noticed correlation between my emotional states in my life and my surroundings, which, most of the time, are pretty good indicators of m inner feelings.***

All of life’s decisions boil down to answering a question with either a “yes” or “no”.  Answering a question with a “yes” usually gives you more opportunities, but at the same time it can limit your own freedom or you can even commit  yourself to some things you don’t want to do at all. Answering a question with a “no” usually denies you opportunities, but at the same time it gives you more freedom and control over your life.

In this article I will examine the reasons for saying “yes” too often. Then I will talk about the benefits of saying “no” to others and to yourself. Finally, I will present you with a simple guide of when to say “yes” or “no” in any given life scenario.

Saying “Yes” Too Often

Even though answering “yes” or “no” work equally well in most life situations and can help you choose the right path, it is my experience that most people are having a hard time saying “no”. It seems that we are almost conditioned to say “yes” to everything. There are many reasons for it. It is almost custom to think that saying “no” is bad thing simply because it carries implied negativity with it. Some people say “yes”, because they don’t want to hurt other people’s feeling. Some people say “yes”, because they really don’t have a preference either way and simply don’t know what they want.  Some people say “yes” because they feel like they have no option but to say “yes”. That is why learning when to say “no” can be the simplest and most life changing lesson you could learn.

Benefits Of Saying “No” to Others

Yes, saying “yes” is great thing, but it must be said in moderation with “no”. Saying “no” is actually one of the best things that you can say to others, assuming you do not over use it. Saying “no” implies that you have a preference over one matter or another. “No” shows respect for yourself, your time and your energy, because it makes you seem more mature and that you know yourself and your life. “No” will cause other people to respect you more. They will be more considerate of your time; they will think twice before asking your help and they will get to the point quicker and won’t bother you with things you are not interested in. Simply put, you will not become somebody’s doormat. It seems that most people have the tendency of using people who are always agreeing to their terms and let them have their way. Yet, saying “no” to other is not that easy. It might cause you to feel as if you were doing something wrong, but in reality you have to understand that by saying “yes” to the other person’s desires and wishes, you are saying “no” to yourself. “No” is the key to not giving away your power to others and keeping it to yourself.

Benefits of Saying “No” to Yourself

Even more important than saying “no” to other is saying “no” to yourself. It will actually help you form healthy habits and rid of unhealthy ones. It will help you keep your life simple and organized. You will have more time to do things that you love and you will stop wasting energy on the things that do not matter. You will be able to refine your life and give it purpose and direction. Most importantly, you will be able to gain a better understanding of your own identity and of who you are. You will realize that making decision will become much easier and at the same time, you will have more control over your own life.

Choosing When To Say “Yes” or “No”

Now, once we know how powerful and useful “no” is, I will explain to you when to say it. To make things simpler, let us assume that there are only two types of situations:  “win” or “lose”. Now, let us walk through steps of when to say “no”. Imagine that you are presented with an opportunity to do something. First, thing that you need to do is to check if this opportunity is a “win” situation for you. If it is, only then you have ask yourself if it is a “win” situation for the other party. If it is, then you accept the opportunity and say “yes”. However, if it is a “lose” situation for you and “win” for the other person, then the answer is “no”. Even if it turns out that it is a “win” situation for you, but a “lose” situation for the other party, you should still decline the opportunity by saying “no”. Only “win win”situations should get the green light of “yes”.

There is no denying that to say “yes” or “no”, one has to have set priorities to decide which “win win” situations to accept or which to reject. To accomplish that, you will have a clear idea of the priorities in your life and what really matters to you to make a wise decision.

Personal Example Of Saying “No”

For the longest time in my life,  I could not learn how to say “no”. For example, in college, I would commit to too many activities at the same, I would promise multiple people to show up at the same time, I would take up too many hours to work or even too many jobs. Because of that, I had no stability, no schedule, I could not concentrate and I would not perform all of my commitments to my best ability. I would spread myself too thin. It became a real problem: I would have to cancel many meetings; those canceled meetings started damaging my friendships; and I had to quit variety of activities and jobs. Finally, I learned how to say “no” to myself and to others. The results were completely different from that point on. I could concentrate on what really was important to me, I gained other people’s respect, I was able to do what mattered to me the most and I felt like I knew myself better. And that is that power of saying “no”!

“A framework is a basic conceptual structure used to solve or address complex issues.” according to Wikipedia.

There are a variety of existing frameworks for life that have been developed over thousands of years. Some of the more notable ones would be world-wide spread religions such as Christianity, Islam, Buddhism; various martial arts, clans, gangs, sects and son on. Although many of them appealed to me, I still found too confusing to start and it always seemed that they contained too many rules, to many regulations and too many concepts to understand. I lacked peace of mind.

I needed a way to find some stability in my life while still making progress. I tried reading various self-development authors and their ideas about life. What I found was usually too extreme for me adopt right away. I found bits and pieces of things that resonated with me and many more things that I just did not feel comfortable with. That is why I kept thinking of a way to solidify and stabilize my thought process while still leaving room for growth and improvement.

That is why I came up with the framework for life for myself. It allowed to me look at my life in much more simpler terms, which got rid of a lot on confusion and mess in my head. It allowed me of a simpler and constructive way of thinking about life and of its challenges.

Building a Pyramid

We are going to pretend like each and every one of our lives can be represented by a pyramid. When we are born we start of from scratch. As we go through our life, we first lay the foundation, then layer by layer, we start building our pyramid. If we are determined and hard-working enough, we will be able to complete our it before our passing. Let us look at the components closer.

Laying Down The Foundation

There are four main building blocks upon which the pyramid of your life is going to be built. They are emotional, physical, mental and spiritual states of being. To have a strong foundation, we must develop and strengthen those four parts of individuality. Each of them supports each other and feeds of each other. For example, if you are not feeling well emotionally, then the rest of the parts are most likely going to suffer.  However, you can prevent that by strengthening the four parts so much that even one of them starts suffering, the other are going to be strong enough to pick you back up and not let you go in a downward spiral.

Creating and Maintaining The Foundation

In my experience, to establish and maintain a strong foundation one has only to do focus on four things: proper diet, proper physical fitness, proper meditation, and proper rest. Once again, these concepts are interrelated to each other just like the four foundation blocks I just mentioned. Those four activities will directly feed and nourish your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual sates of being allowing you to become a wholesome human being.

Diet will have a direct effect on physical sate of being. Meditation will have more of a direct effect on an emotional and spiritual states of being. Proper rest will affect all four parts of your being: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Physical training will affect physical and mental aspects of your being more than anything else.  However, it is important to remember that all the parts are interrelated and it is important not to neglect any of them. However, sometimes it might be appropriate to focus more on one part than the other depending on the circumstances.

Building on The Foundation

It is my experience that following the above suggestion should lead you to have a more stable and less easy shakable life.  Once we carry out that, we can start building the pyramid of our lives. The building blocks of the pyramid are going to be accomplished goals in our lives. Naturally, once you have enough of certain goals accomplished, you are going to be able to start to build another level of the pyramid. Naturally, it will need less blocks, but more effort to get those blocks to the next level. Each level completed will bring you closer to your ultimate life purpose until you reach the top point of the pyramid and that is where you will find your life purpose to have been completed.

In order to lay down each additional level, one would have acquire more strength by continuously drawing from your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual resources that support the whole pyramid. To ensure that the foundation can sustain the increasing weight of the pyramid, you will have to improve your rest, physical, meditative and dietary practices in addition to acquiring additional knowledge and experience to continue adding building blocks (goals) to the pyramid.

Implications of The Framework

The above explained model has many implications that makes it plausible. It automatically assumes that each person has a goal or a purpose in life  which they are trying to achieve. It also assumes that each person is able to plan and set up goals to accomplish for oneself to move from one level to another. Those are actually some of the things that many of struggle in life with: some of us don’t know what we want to do with our lives, some of us don’t even plan our lives and just live it as it comes. All of the above things just imply that some people are building never-ending pyramids, some of us stuck at the first level of the pyramid not able to move on. Is that you?

The  model  highlights  some of the more important features of life – collaboration. Let’s imagine we have this grand life vision. How are we going to build this huge pyramid? The simple answer is collaboration with others. It would make the most sense to find other who would help you out in your struggles and share their resources with yours to help you accomplish your goals. And it is only one way, in which this framework can help you answer the questions of life. Just explore!

Benefits of the Framework

I have to admit that this model might be a little bit oversimplified and I am sure that it has some flaws. Yet, I believe that it captures the essence of the human life and the best to lead a satisfying life. One of the major benefits of this framework that it enables you to easily visualize your own progress is life, it let’s you see if you are accomplishing your goals in life. This framework gives you the tools to instill stability and at the same time promote progress in your lives. Have you started building your pyramid of life?

This is something I wrote 3 years ago…

Identity

According to AskOxford.com, “English is the richest language with largest vocabulary in the world” (Internet). Even though there are so many different words, sometimes people still cannot find right ones to describe others, or even themselves. Some people just seem not to fit any of the adjectives, because words like still have to be created. Although some might argue that words do exist and that others just refuse to accept them, I still strongly believe that words that express the emotion, the glow, the aura, or, in other words, the inner identity of a person are yet to be created. On the other hands, if we were to talk about the labels that society gives to different groups of people, there are plenty of nouns to describe people. Any random American citizen could probably easily identify himself/herself with the following categories: his/her national identity, his/her profession, political believes, religion, heritage, etc. Nevertheless, there are plenty people in the world that would have trouble describing not only their inner aura but their national identity or heritage as well. It would not be because of the lack of the words in the vocabulary; they just would not know. Some identity is lost by people themselves, sometimes people are not recognized by the rest of the world.

Having any kind of identity is very important. We always try to identify with somebody. We want to be recognized for what we do, what we are, and how we behave. It is just human nature- to be recognized. Every person wants to be identified as a human being first. If that condition is satisfied then one wants to be recognized as a person that has their own web of believes, actions and behavior. It does not matter how unique a person tries to be, one will always try to identify himself with somebody who is at least a little bit alike him/her. Even the weirdest kids in high school find others that are like them. That gives an individual a sense of unity and power. It also acknowledges that a person is not alone and that there are other people that understand him/her. Mutual understanding is the key for a person to be identified as an individual because then one does not seem to be so out of place. Often people need approval for their actions from others. An individual does so to make sure that his behavior will be accepted within the group that one is trying to associate with. For example, when a person runs for a president, he/she and the voters form a huge group that has connect on some level in order to create functioning society. Therefore the largest and the most important identity that a person can be a part of is a national identity. Nationalities unite people with similar believes about country, about society, about cultural values, about politics, etc.

Sometimes, however, people lose their national identities. They do not choose to be separated from their culture, but they are forced to do it. People immigrate to different countries everyday because of bad political or economical situation in their home country. My family left Lithuania because of complicated economical situation. Edward Said’s family left Palestine because of very complicated historical and political situation. Although Said’s life story and my life story are quite different, in the very essence of it they are very much alike. Said and I ended up in the same place- the United States of America- for two completely different reasons. He lived completely different life from mine. However, both of our lives share one common thing- desperate fight for our identities.

Who am I? This question of philosophical identity bothered me for a very long time. Since I was a kid I was asking myself of what defines me as a human being, as a person. Although I spent many hours wondering, I never came up with the answer. Many years have passed and I am still asking the question, but I am not so worried about the answer anymore. Another, much more important question came up: “What am I?” My life took a much unexpected turn and changed so much that I have many reasons to ask this question.

My family and I have moved from our home in Lithuania to the United States of America about two and a half years ago. Just like most of the immigrants we came to United States looking for better life. My family moved because they wanted to create better opportunities for me and my brother to establish a better material life than they had. Although our life quality is much better than it was back at Lithuania, I feel that I since the moment I came down here I am paying a price that cannot be measured in money: the pain and doubt that I had to go through. I left all of my friends at home; my culture, my history, my land-all of these things became past in a matter of one flight. Moreover, now I have to deal with seeing myself completely lose my national identity.

The process began very slowly and painfully. Everyday required a lot of effort to get through. I was cut off of my usual surroundings and started a life in a culture that was completely new and foreign. I used to get headaches from hearing too much English in one day. I did not realize what was going with me at that time, but now I clearly see that it was the beginning of the end of new Tom. I tried keeping my old friends close to me and succeeded only for about half year because after a while I realized that I was concentrating on my past much more than on the present. Just when I started losing my national identity, it was really hard to identify myself with anybody in this new environment because I did not the customs of how the things are done, and what is acceptable or not. Life became meaningless and boring, because I could not even identify myself with the any of the American values and therefore I did not fit in anywhere else. Therefore I learned American history, language and slang, cultural values, music and traditions during my first year. I tried to preserve the Lithuanian Tom in me for as long as possible, but after a while I just gave up because it was too painful and I did not have any friends in high school, and my friends back at home gave up on me as well. Discovering and adapting new national identity is extremely hard. After about a year I got to know more people, my language skills improved, I learned tons of new things about American culture and only then I started having something in common with the rest of the American students.

The reason I adapted to the new culture and partially lost my Lithuanian national identity is because I am surrounded by this culture everyday and I have no other choice but to adapt. My parents, on the other hand, still feel very strongly about Lithuania because they associate themselves only with other Lithuanians and therefore are able to keep the customs of a Lithuanian person. Their identity is still strong and they are willing to go back home at anytime. I, however, do not have anything to come back for. Everything is lost to me there. My future is here. Although most of my Lithuanian national identity is gone, some behavior patterns still remain and I am still confused and concerned if I am doing the right thing by completely forgetting about my homeland. That is why I am still so different from everyone else, I still think differently and act differently in some situations. After all, I have been here only for two and a half years. I still have to learn many things about this culture which is so familiar to me right, I have to rediscover and redefine myself as a person again. Because the discoveries for new Tom just are just beginning.

Said’s story of identity is quite different from mine. His whole family left Palestine when he was 11 years old due to harsh political situation in the country. He left just before the Israeli War of Independence when the British left Palestine.
That is the first major difference between me and Said. My country’s political situation was not that extreme and it was not a reason for my family to leave; there were no military conflicts going on in my country. Unlike me, he did not go to the United States of America directly. He stayed in Egypt first and only then moved to the United States of America for same reason I am here – to receive his education.

My family is still with me and my relatives still live where they used to live. However, Said’s family is spread throughout the world. His closest family “resettled in Jordan, in Lebanon, in the United States and in Europe” (Said, 684). Therefore keeping in touch with his family was much harder for him than for me. He has “not visited her [mother] since the Israeli invasion of 1982” (Said, 684). Family is single most important unit that is able to keep one from losing identity. It reminds a person about the traditions, language or history and keeps one in touch his real national identity. Said did not even have, as opposed to me, the ability to talk to my mom or dad any day because they are just cell phone call away. But still I am the one the started losing my national identity so quickly. On the other hand Said supported his country’s struggle through books and criticism of world leaders’ actions towards the situation in Israel. Said was able to stand up for his country and fight for in his writings although the country does not even exist.

If somebody were to ask Said where Palestine was, he could not answer the question because “the stability of geography and the continuity of land- these have completely disappeared from […] life of all Palestinians” (Said, 685). It disappeared not only from life of Palestinians but from it is gone from the life of the rest of the world because Palestine is not recognized as a country by the rest of the world. Because of that Said was never able during his life to “return to the places of … youth, nor voyage freely in the countries and places that mean the most” (Said, 682). Going back home and feeling that you are welcome there is what keeps the relationship with your family and your country strong. Revisiting your childhood places, going back to one’s high school, seeing the nature, breathing one country’s the air and meeting the people are crucial in order to maintain the national identity of a person. I have not seen my home for those two and a half years and the homesickness feeling is gone, the memories are fading, places became blurry. Everything old is replaced with new memories and places from life that I live here. I can go home any time I want to. All I need is just to buy a ticket, but I do not want to go back. I am happy with what I have here. Even if Said had an opportunity to come back it would be impossible for him to revisit the places where he grew up because “wars, revolutions, civil struggles have changed the countries beyond recognition” (Said, 684). Said has not been home for so long, but it seems obvious that his feelings for his country are still very strong and his motives are clear. He knows what he does and who he is because “he served on the Palestinian National Council, an exile government” (Said’s Bio, 675).

According to Said “exile is a series of portraits without names, without contexts” (Said, 680). He is not here because he likes here, he is here because he has to be. Many people that actually live in Palestine are still in exile even at home because they are “required to show proofs of identity” (Said, 681). It actually would not matter where Said lived in Israel or the United States, he would not be recognized as a Palestinian. There is not a place in the world where Palestinians are recognized. Their country is not existent; therefore they do not have any legal relations with the rest of the world. Palestinians are in no man’s land and neither of the opposing sides is theirs. Their national identity is constantly being “either denied or challenged” (Said, 681). For example, if government were to take away a person’s name, one’s life would be completely destroyed. A person would know what their name is, but anybody who would did not know an individual personally would deny it and would ask for proof of identity. And a person would have nothing to show for a proof. One would just be completely erased from the society because he/she could not get a job, could not buy home or a car, and could not leave the country or even get an education. Even though, individual would know who he/she is, the person’s identity would be denied everywhere else. If a reader were to put himself/herself into this situation, maybe only then it would become a little bit clearer what it feels like to be a Palestinian.

Our everyday lives are dependent on people that surround us. Other people make us behave differently even though we might not be conscious of that. Our identity is approved by society. It can be either approved and given a certain label or rejected and just forgotten. In either way a person has to go on with his/her life. I am sure that other people notice that I am different from them, that I am still not sure of who or what I am and therefore it is still hard for me to identify myself with anything else. Said, on the other hand, knew exactly who he was and what he did, but the rest of the world still did not officially recognize him as a Palestinian because Palestine was and still is a non-existent country. Having and keeping your identity is often harder and more complicated than what it looks like. Although Said was true Palestinian in his hart, the word technically did not apply to him. Although I am officially Lithuanian, it just became a label for me, it does not describe as person and there are no words that could. From worlds society’s perspective me and Said look very similar- we do not have real, cornerstone identities- although our lives and personalities are so different.

WHO ARE YOU???