Right and wrong do not exist in the eyes of the universe. Right and wrong are the constructs of human mind, which makes them automatically biased and subjective. That makes it difficult to define it and even harder to discuss it. But, I have not set out to define what wrong or right is. I have set out to talk about what wrong or evil represents or what it means.

I can draw the best parallels to wrong or evil with pain. What exactly is pain? How would do you define it? It is tough. Yet, we know why it exists. Pain warns us when there is something wrong, when something is not working harmoniously. When we get hurt emotionally or physically, it hurts. Only because it hurts we know that what happened was damaging to our well being. Pain is simply a form of information telling us that we are going against the grain.

Evil is similar to pain. It exists for a reason. The mere existence of it informs us, that our society has long ways to go before we all live in harmony. Evil or wrong doing is not an inherent human characteristic. Many times circumstances “force” people to act in a ways that damage the fabric of the human kind. The real question then is why do those circumstances exist that create incentives for people to do wrong.

The best answer to that question is that our society is very imperfect.  The number of crimes can be a very good indicator of how well the society as a whole is doing in living peacefully together. So instead of looking at people who do wrong as if there is something wrong with them, let us look at why they did what they did because that is the true cause of the evil.

It is easy to lock people up and put them to jail, but it is important to realize that targeting individuals is not going help. In a way, they are just victims to the circumstances, in which any other person might have reached a similar course of action. So the real solution to eliminating evil in the world is not the elimination of criminals, but the elimination of the root causes of evil, which give rise to wrong doing: poverty, hunger, inequality, etc.

Those are the real driving forces behind the evil acts committed by humans. Now, I am not saying that individuals do not have choice over their actions and that they should not be punished. I am not saying. What I am saying is that punishing criminals is scratching the surface.It is like taking pain killers to eliminate the pain instead of treating the root cause of the problem.

Rarely, if ever we dig down deeper to understand other people actions and motivations and try to eliminate those incentives, which allowed the negativity to flourish.

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Image Source: Ghetu Daniel

After a while, I just get bored of some things. I do.

I get bored hearing about the same old issues and problems and people never doing anything about them. If I had a TV show and I had a segment called “What Grinds My Gears”, people with never ending same old issues would be on that segment. No doubt!

What grinds my gears even more is the excuse that the same people use: “Well, you know…my life just kind of got in the way! You know how it is!” And then they would go on babbling about work, family, kids, homework, “rough” weekends and so on. Yea, I understood it. I understood a while ago. But then I stopped understanding because the same people would end up talking to me again, telling me how the life got in the way.

Yuk.

I used to be one of those people. I know – GROSS!

Thankfully, I stopped. I got tired of hearing myself complain about the same old things, trying to resolve issues or achieve new goals, but then end up seeing “life getting in the way”! So I did three things: 1) I shut my mouth 2)took responsibility away from “life” onto myself 3)looked for ways to create a life which would help me solve my issues. Matter of fact, to this I try not ever to share any negative news with other people. I just deal with them on my own. If I do reach out, it is just to ask for advice, but not to whine to them about my problems.

So, what about you? Does your life get in the way? Do you want to:

• get a new job
• lose weight
• go on a vacation
• wake up early
• start working out
• start saving money
• read a book
• learn something new
• go live in a new country
• go skydiving
• learn to dance
• start dating

Well, do you? Have you tried achieving any of those things, but then life just got in the way?I am sorry, but I have no pity for you.

Life just does not get in the way, you let it.

How? Simple; you probably make dumb decisions and instead of taking the responsibility on your own shoulders, you just blame life for getting in the way.

Let’s take a look at somebody who wants to start working out. He makes it his New Year’s resolution: “I am going to go to the gym four days a week: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.” Right on! The first week goes by, he is still at it. The second week gets tougher, but he still pushes on. Then, the third week comes around. Not so good. He started missing his workouts and before he knew it, he stopped working out all together.

Friends: ” What happened, man?”

Him: “You know. Life just kind of got in the way.”

Friends: “What do you mean?”

Him: “You know. The work started to kick in. I have to work late and then after work I don’t want to do anything. My brain is fried!”

Friends: “Right…”

Him: “Yea! I just couldn’t keep up. You know how hard it is, right?

Friends: “Yea!”

Him: “Then I have to watch my favorite shows and then I have to go out with my friends, socialize, etc. And then, I have to run all of these errands! So, I just said screw this! I want to have a normal life, so I stopped. Maybe next year I won’t be as busy with life.”

Friends: “Yea, man. You will have your chance!”

Just writing that, brought back unpleasant memories.

If life gets in the way, then it is all your fault, because you have created the life that you have. Furthermore, if you let life get in the way, then you probably do not want to solve an issue or achieve a goal bad enough.

That is all there is to it.

Just admit that to yourself. Admit it! If it is something that REALLY is bothering you, then do something about it in way that won’t let your life get in the way. Oh, I almost forgot. Here is how:

• Shut up. Stop complaining to others about how hard you try and how life just gets in the way. Nobody cares. You just waste your own time and others. Instead, if you are going to talk to somebody about your issues, be precise. State the issue and ask for advice of how to accomplish it. Consider the advice and try putting it into action. If it doesn’t work, move onto something different.

• Take responsibility. Life is never at fault. You are responsible for your life. You make the decisions that get you were you are right now. This might be a really hard thing to do. Taking responsibility is never easy, but this will put the control back into your hands. Life will not, randomly, get in your way. You will be able to look at yourself and look for the best ways to solve this problem. So, empower yourself by taking responsibility.

• Reorganize your life. If you have done the above steps, then you will realize that much work needs to be done. It might be simply summed up in the following: eliminate what you do not like and start doing what you like. It will have something to do with eliminating negative habits, people, environments, or things that “prevent” you from doing what you want. It will be hard, but you can do it. After that, you will have all of this free time to fill with things that you want to do. Just make sure, they are the things that you really want to do. This process will be pointless if you will have no real reasons for doing any of the things you said you wanted to do. Simple fact is that some people are just too comfortable with their lives to change anything about them.

So next time you hear yourself or your friends saying that life got in their way, just smack them on the head and tell them to take the responsibility to their own hands! Or just send them to this blog for some verbal head-smacking. Do whichever you are more comfortable with.

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Image: remuz [Jack The Ripper]

Your life is defined by your decisions. Everyday you wake up and you make decisions. That is all life is – continuous decision making process which creates the person that you are today.

Most of the decisions are fairly simple. Every morning when you wake up, you decide what you are going to wear, what you are going to eat and what you are going to do during your day. You probably will never think about many of them twice unless you somehow managed to make a destructive decision too many times, until it developed into a destructive habit.

However, some decisions are perceived as being extremely tough.

What exactly makes a certain decision a tough one? For example, they might have a huge impact on your finances, your relationships, your career, your health, your rest and so on. A tough decision usually comes sprinkled with fear and uncertainty.You will always want to know how things turn out in the end. And you are always going to be looking for the happy ending, right? At least, I do.

Matter of fact, you are probably going to be looking for a happy ending not only for yourself, but for those around you as well. You want your decision to have a positive impact on the people you care about. So far so good? Not exactly.

Many times your concern of how your action is going to affect others is exactly what prevents you from taking the action? Am I right? Think back to some of the following scenarios: you want to quit your job, you want to end a relationship, you want to change your major, you want to confess in something you did wrong, you want to stand up for what you believe in and so on.

How many of those times did you prevent yourself from making a decision because you were thinking the following: “I can’t do that. I don’t want to disappoint this person, I don’t want to hurt them, I don’ want to break their heart” The variations are countless.

Well, I have news for you. Ideally, you should eliminate other people out of the equation when making tough life decisions.

I am making the assumption that you are a decent human being and that you are not taking a decision to purposefully hurt somebody physically, emotionally or otherwise. I am referring to situations where you are following your path in life, where you stand up for your beliefs and your values.

When you are in a tough spot, there are many variables to consider. Sometimes the answers is not clear. The best thing to do then is to eliminate as many irrelevant variables as possible. I am making an argument that other individuals in your life are one of those irrelevant variables.

Many people in life feel like they are responsible for other people’s feelings when making a decision.

I disagree.

You are not one simple bit responsible for how others feel or react to the decisions that you make in life. 9 times out of 10, others will use that knowledge to manipulate you into making a decision that favors them instead of you.

People will react the way they do. There is nothing personal in that. They are just reacting to a situation.

Furthermore, if you assume responsibility for how others feel then you will be doomed to suffer until you choose otherwise. Ultimately, you are tying your own well being to somebody else emotions. You are giving away your power to others by doing that.

Think about it this way. If other people truly cared for you, then they would just let you be and be considerate of what you are doing. Instead, if they are reacting in a manipulative way (crying, being upset, sad, needy, angry, etc) chances are they are not even thinking about what is best for you, but only looking out for their own best interest.

For the sake of illustration let us examine a common situation which I experienced over and over again in college.

I always signed up for classes early in the morning so I could get my day started early. However, my roommates did not have classes until later in the day. Given that fact, they would go out and come back really late: 2AM or 3AM in the morning.

The problem wasn’t that they were going out; it was that I could not rest properly because of loud noise at 4AM. For a long time I tolerated it, thinking: “It’s okay, they want to go out; they have a right to do so. After all they are paying rent too!” However, after a while I realized that I was not getting proper rest and was tired all of the time. Things just didn’t fit. Eventually, I realized that I was not the problem and that my roommates were simply being disrespectful of my rest and just had their best interests in mind.

I eventually started confronting them to the point where it became a serious problem and I ended up moving out.

Even though, the above situation is not as serious it still send the same message: if you want to empower yourself, eliminate other people out of the equation when making tough decisions in life.

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Image: nerovivo

“We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” – Fight Club

X: I love that quote. It’s awesome! I completely agree with it!
Y: Are you crazy? That’s nonsense. I know that any of us can be millionaires and movie stars. All we have to do is to chose so!
X: That’s crap. Society is just structured so that only a few lucky ones can get to the top. The rest of us are just fed false dreams to keep us somewhat happy and calm.
Y: Are you kidding me? I have witnessed so many people who were at the bottom and the rose to the top to become millionaires and movie starts just by working hard and putting in the effort.That is all you need in this life: hard work and you can make anything of yourself. I know I will be something one day!
X: Yea right. Did you ever look around yourself? There are millions of other people out there just like living this false dream, thinking they are going to be superstars. What makes you think you are different from them? Look, I want to be a millionaire too. I want to live in the lazy life, do nothing, just chill, hang out and do what I want. But I have to be realistic. I have to know my limits and just accept the reality for what it is.
Y: That is exactly why you are going no where. What are you going to do? Join a “Fight Club”? Give up on your dreams and just go join the rest of the losers?
X: Who are you calling a loser?
Y: You! Whatever, you just don’t get it
X: Me? Are you kidding me? Look who is talking!

What Is A Disagreement

Sounds familiar? Who is right in this situation? Who is wrong? Are they both partially right and partially wrong? Did this argument accomplish anything? Did it add any value to anybody? Chances are that nothing positive came out of the conversation.

We all have something to say about everything: self-development, nutrition, exercise, sleep, education, health care, war, love, etc. Yet, many of us really don’t care if what we know is the truth or just a widely accepted belief. What we really care about is that we have an opinion and because it is ours it makes it the correct one. It is very difficult for us to accept the fact that we might be wrong about something.  Matter of fact, when we realize that we are wrong, we try to defend our perspective even more.

Because of the reasons above, most disagreements lead people to feel lesser than they really are; their confidence drops, they start to doubt themselves; they feel resentment towards the other person; they feel emotionally and physically drained. That is why most people will tell you to avoid arguments all together and just let other person be. People will tell you to stay on the safe side and keep your opinion to your self. That might be true. But I tend to disagree.

Creating Value By Disagreeing

Let me tell you a little story. When I went to college I worked as a resident assistant at one of the residential halls. I naturally like confronting people and challenging their views. So it happened that I got into an argument about god with one of the very religious co-workers of mine. See, I have a very different understanding of god than most people that I meet. You could say it that it is a very nontraditional view. The co-workers happened to have a very traditional belief of God.

Before the argument even started, I thought to myself: “Here we go again. He’s going to try to convert me to his views. This is going to be fun…” Indeed, it was a lot of fun! The conversation lasted for hours. It had to be one of the most educational and eye opening conversations that I have ever had. I have learned so much about people and life that I did not know before or did not fully understand. The other person created value by disagreeing with me. It was just an outstanding experience!

After that, I started noticing it happening more and more frequently. I realized that it was not a unique, isolated event. Eventually, I realized that disagreeing with somebody can be the best learning and growth experience that you can have with somebody.

Here is why value is created when you disagree with others:

• You get a chance to test and reexamine the validity of your beliefs
• You get to learn of a different perspective about the same issue
• You learn how to connect with people on a personal level
• You get an opportunity to grow
• You provide an opportunity of growth for the other person
• You test the beliefs of the other person

If done right, a disagreement will provide you and others with a tremendous value and will accelerate your growth.

Disagreement is a catalyst of growth.

For the reasons above, it is selfish not seek opportunities for disagreement! You should go out there and ask people to disagree with you, to continuously challenge your beliefs, to keep you on the edge. You should also go out there and become confrontational! Express your opinions when you do not agree! Get out there and disagree!

However, you might get your feelings – or something else – hurt if you don’t do it right. There is a right way to disagree.

How To Disagree

Follow the following tips to create the most value for yourself and others when disagreeing:

• Know yourself. Know why you believe something that you believe in. Know the reasons behind it, so you can clearly articulate and explain yourself in such manner that would provide value to the person listening.

• Keep an open mind. If you are approaching others with a purpose to disagree then expect and be ready for things that will make you emotionality irritated. Expect them and neutralize them before hand. Losing your cool is the worst thing that can happen when being engaged in an argument.

• Listen. If you are going just to force your opinion onto others, you will soon find people keeping their distance from you. Learn how to listen. If you listen and understand the other person, you will gain an insight into their thinking. You will gain their respect and they will listen to you as well. Keeping communication channels open is crucial if you want to learn something and create value for others.

• Ask questions. If you do not understand something – ask. Others will be more than happy to explain it to you. Do not jump to conclusions when you hear something that does not make sense to you. Give the other person a chance to provide a complete explanation.

• Be patient. Understand that arguments might take a long time. If it is something that is important to you – schedule a more convenient time to talk and come ready. Doing things in a rush, can cause even more confusion than to help any of the involved parties.

• Know when to stop. Sometimes, it is just crucial to stop the argument. Once you realize that the other person is refusing to listen, cuts you short, forces their opinion on you – leave. Politely excuse yourself and get away from a ” you lose  he/she wins” situation.

Now go out there and disagree!

QUESTION: When was the last time you created or gained value from disagreeing?

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Image: Photobucket

My Experience

I am not a fan of competition. I never liked it. Ever since I was a young child, I had bad experiences with competition. Every time I engaged in some competitive activity,I instantly felt alienated and unwelcome among my peers. It seemed that everybody was trying to get to the top at my expense.

For example, when I played basketball, the other basketball players would try to put me down and belittle me.  They achieved their goals. Their negative words and attitudes would get into my head. My performance would suffer. Moreover, my spirits would go down and I would feel unmotivated to play basketball. It was hard and unpleasant for me to even walk into the locker room. I started becoming afraid of my teammates and even the game itself. Naturally, any competitive act caused me to feel negative emotions and would instantly paralyze me.

These emotions are still with me today. They are not nearly as strong or as powerful as they used to be, but they are there. I have learned to deal with them. Yet, for a long time my confidence suffered. My overall view of self-worth went down and it was hard to bring it back up.

Change

Yet, I knew it was up to me to change. I had to change my perspective and take responsibility for my actions. I realized that other people will not change. It was not worth my effort or being upset over it. I had to change the way I responded to and treated people around me.

Let us go through my experiences with basketball. The first thing I tried to do to bring my confidence up was to lift harder and work harder every day in practice. It worked. I was becoming stronger and more athletic. I was able to compete with others and even gain their respect. However, I started loosing respect for other basketball players myself. I felt like it was the time for me to pay back for all of my bad experiences in basketball. I became overly aggressive, angry and pushy. Naturally, nobody liked it. It caused resentment and people did not want to play with me. Team basketball suffered and I felt hurt again.

At that time, I did not recognize exactly what was going on. All I knew was that people were not fond of playing basketball on the same team with me. I realized that I was treating others just like how I was being treated myself for a largo portion of my life. I needed to evolve. The change came. I was not aware of it until recently. The change came because I changed my perspective. Instead of looking through the glasses of competition, I started using the glasses of competitive collaboration.

Competitive Collaboration

Competitive collaboration is all about growing while helping others grow. It is about engaging yourself in “win win” situations. The first “win” stands for your own “win”. The second one stand for helping others “win”. My experience with basketball illustrates that. Early in my basketball career I was engaging myself in “lose win” situations: I would lose; others would win. Later on, it changed to: “win lose”. I would win, while others would lose. Only recently it started evolving into “win win” situations.

Competitive collaboration is about creating a friendly and supportive environment where you are striving forward by helping others become better at the same time. It is not all about you. It is about respecting other persons. It is about pushing yourself to reach new goals and pushing the other individuals to achieve new heights as well. See, if you surround yourself with positive people who you show respect for and help them grow, you will naturally foster and an environment of support and respect for yourself.

Key element of competitive collaboration is sharing of information. It is beneficial on many levels. You get to test your ideas with others and see how they react. Your “competitors” might provide you with feedback and ways to improve on your ideas. They might offer you support in implementing them. They might also share their ideas and you could learn from each other.

Notice, however, that sharing information is beneficial for both parties involved. You would be naturally forced to keep innovating, keep thinking of better ideas to keep growing. Sharing of information opens up doors to opportunities that would not have otherwise existed.  It also shows that you are confident and mature person who is constantly pushing oneself to new heights.

Let us see how this applies to my experiences with basketball. I noticed that if I stared respecting others and recognizing people for doing a good job, I would get more respect back. I would get the ball more often. In playing pickup games, people would be more likely to pick me up. There was no resentment and no anger while playing; that reduced the chance of injury or even a fight. It made the experience of basketball much more enjoyable and fun.

Engage Yourself in Competitive Collaboration

In short, if you want to stop competing, but want to start competitively collaborating do the following:

1. Show respect towards others.
2. Show appreciation of others.
3. Push others to grow.
4. Support others when they are down.
5. Share your knowledge and ideas with others.

So, stop being a competitor and become a competitive collaborator. It will change your life.